


Love Lost

by Tasseomancy



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Anyanka Rights Only, Canon Divergent, Episode: s06e18 Entropy, F/M, episode rewrite, in this house we support demon rights, the X/A is past only, this could end up spuffy or spanya or anya/spike/buffy i genuinely don't know so buckle up i guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26093923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tasseomancy/pseuds/Tasseomancy
Summary: Responding to a challenge on ElysianFields.Spike shushes her and she stops as he begins to talk gently but firmly."Why wish vengeance against the one who hurt us? Will it make either of us feel better? Doubt it. More like, we'd just feel worse for hurting someone we still love, who doesn't give a damn about us. We'd still love them, though. If I could make just one wish, I would wish that we could both stop loving the ones who hurt us so badly."This is it.She can feel the wish bubbling up inside her, the power growing and burning through her, burning out everything that isn’t the power and the wish and the relief.Her eyes snap up to meet his, her gaze steady her voice no longer shattered but firm and kind."Wish granted."
Relationships: Anya Jenkins/Spike, Spike/Buffy Summers, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins
Comments: 38
Kudos: 56





	1. Wish I May

**Author's Note:**

> Written in response to [**this challenge**](https://dark-solace.org/elysian/modules/challenges/challenges.php?chalid=3110) by momnesia on Elysian Fields.
> 
> The Challenge:
>
>>   
>  _Another Entropy re-write, but in this one, Anyanka actually gets to grant a Vengence wish against Xander AND Buffy. Halfrek has already gone. As the Scoobies watch the video feed in the Magic Box (complete with sound track), Anya tries to get Spike to wish something bad against Xander, but Spike is still too broken up over Buffy dumping him to do so. Just as Anya puts the bottle and glasses on the counter top, Spike starts to speak, "Why wish vengeance against the one who hurt us? Will it make either of us feel better? Doubt it. More like, we'd just feel worse for hurting someone we still love, who doesn't give a damn about us. We'd still love them, though. If I could make just one wish, I would wish that we could both stop loving the ones who hurt us so badly." Anya looks directly at Spike and says "Wish granted." For all of half a second, Spike is stunned. "When did you become a Vengence Demon again?" Anyanka responds, "Right after Xander left me at the alter." "Didn't see that coming.", Spike answered. "Want to close up and get a bite to eat?" Anyanka says "Great! Just let me count my money." Xander will probably be ready to stake Spike, but why? Buffy may be ready to slay Anyanka as well, but why? Nothing bad happened to either Xander or Buffy, the wish only took away the pain of those who had been hurt by both of them. Finish this as you please. You can have Spike & Anyanka become a couple. . .or Spike and Anyanka as friends only. . .; Buffy and Xander asking Willow to summon D'Hoffryn to fix this mess, with D'Hoffryn telling Buffy that he can't, and the only way to fix it would be to fix things themselves; Xander trying to get Anya(nka) to fall in love with him again, but first, he would have to lose the demon-hate. Buffy could try to do the same with Spike, but Spike won't be her dirty little secret this time around. There is still hope for Xanya and Spuffy. Please do as you please with this. I only ask: No nerds. No character death. And no soul for Spike, because if Spike no longer loves Buffy, he won't try to force anything._   
> 
> 
> I love Anya, I'm a rabid Anya Rights type and I think that Spanya, platonic or romantic, is underrated so naturally I had to jump on this. 

He stares at the door, minutes seem to drag on for eternity as his mind and jaw work. Calling it off was one thing — that could just be her needing a break before she came back, possibly better than before but it wasn’t _really_ final, not _really_ — but this —

_I think it is. For you._

After all the years, the pain, the abuse, the torment, the declarations, the pleading, she has the gall to say something like that to _him_ — and in that _tone_ — like he’s _touched_. Doesn’t even have the decency to respect his love is just as real as any one else’s as she talks down to him. He wants to chase her down, He wants to scream at her, He wants to rip out her throat.

He wants to crawl into a bottle and die.

He hates himself for it, how much he still wants and loves her, how desperate he still is even now. It’s pathetic. But even he knows when to cut his losses, if he keeps like this he’s not just going to lose what little is left of his pride, but what’s left of him as a man. He’d been alive for a hundred and twenty odd years and no one had ever completely broken him— those prats hadn’t, Cecily hadn’t, Angelus hadn’t— and he wasn’t about to let it finally be Buffy Fucking Summers who did it.

* * *

Without Hallie’s presence the store is almost crushing in its silence, though that weight doesn’t seem to register to her as she goes through the motions of getting to ready to close the shop, her mind stewing over what Hallie had said before she left.

The door bell jingles, dragging her out of her head and she wonders morosely which Scooby it is and what they want _now_ until her eyes finally reach him— _Spike_. It throws her for a loop for a second until— _I've been telling you for decades - men need a little vengeance now and then, too_ — and it clicks. Spike hates Xander, Xander is always so terrible to him, it’s perfect. _Spike_ could make the wish, he’d probably come up with something really good too.

“Hey. I need a thing.”

She hauls her ass back into work mode and smiles in peak Customer Service fashion.

“Gotcha. What's your pleasure? “

He doesn’t even make a quip or sneer, just sidles up to the counter. The closer he is the more obvious it is to her that he’s about as happy as a human at a funeral.

“Fresh of out of pleasure. That's why I'm here.” He sighs, turning his eyes from the shelves behind her back to her own. “ I need something. Numbing spell, maybe.”

He looks so raw and broken— which is such a pity since he’s so stupidly handsome and strong and upsettingly, unnaturally kind for a vampire that she can’t help but soften a little at the sight. Seeing him as he is now she can admit she sees what Halfrek was talking about.

Sometimes men need a little revenge too. But just _some_ of them. The good ones. And hey, maybe they can get two crappy birds with one vengeance stone, that’d be nice.

Her smile falls into something softer and more genuine as she drops down to look under the register.

“I think I _do_ have something that’d do it. Um, Giles left a couple of supplies here, and I think ... this might help. “ She says as she moves some binders and boxes out of the way. “ Eases the hurt ... makes the sun shine a little brighter, even makes boring people seem more interesting. Ah. Here. “

She pops back up with an opened bottle of jack and two glasses. Anya smiles at him a few notches under triumphant, not sure how he’ll react, but Spike looks from the bottle to her and smiles, a little glint back in his eye and she cranks it right up.

She’s ready to crack the thing open and get going at the counter but Spike stops her and scoops them all up expertly in one hand while he ushers her out from behind the counter and towards the table with the other.

“If we’re going to have a night of drinking and commiseration I’m going to do it properly.”

Anya can’t help but laugh just a little, probably the first time she has in what feels like centuries, and is even more delighted when he offers her a chair then pushes her in again.

“Oh, Spike that’s — thank you.”

He sits down himself with distinctly less decorum but probably much more grace and begins to pour for the two of them. “Didn’t lose my manners when I died, can still bandy them out now and again when I want to. Especially when it’s for someone who deserves it. ”

She positively beams at him, accepting the offered glass.

“ Really? I never thought I was on your good side before now. ”

“ Course you are,” He downs his own glass. “ I have nothing but respect for a woman who is forthright. Drusilla was always straightforward. Didn't have a single buggering clue about what was going on in front of her, but she was straight about it. That's a virtue. “

She smiles as she starts on her own drink but it fades as her thoughts return to Xander.

“ Mm. Xander didn't think so. He thought I was rude. ”

He snorts. “ That's because he's one of them. Uptight. Repressed. “

She frowns, thinking as she looks at her newly filled glass. “You think?”

“ Please. It's no wonder they couldn't deal with the likes of you and me, luv. We should have been dead hundreds of years ago ... and we're the only ones who are really alive.”

She smirks at him a little as he downs his whiskey and in the spirit of the moment and his statement she decided to down hers too.

Spike smirks wickedly. “ Now there you are. That’s it pet no need to be dainty we’re commiserating.”

Anya smirks back, just a bit. “ I like being dainty, it’s cute and fun and men give you things for free and I like not having to pay for things. But there is something to be said for just going ‘screw it’ and being not dainty. And for the record, I like you too, I’ve met plenty of vampires over the years and you’re my favorite one. The rest are all either very annoying or too bloodlusty to be a good conversationalist. ”

His smirk melts into a genuine —and very sweet in her opinion— smile and he raises his glass to her.

“ Cheers to that, pet.”

“You know, it’s been ages since I could get drunk— well since I could get drunk on the human stuff at least. ” she holds her glass up to the light and watches how the gold and browns shift in the light. “ Thing about it is, none of this was my idea. I didn't ask to be human. And Xander…To tell you the truth ... all I wanted was to use him and lose him. I hadn't had a good tumble in a thousand years... and he was ... all bumpy ... in the right places. And nice to me…”

A wave of anger comes over her again and she all but slams her drink now some of it sloshing over her hand as it hits.

“ Next thing you know ... I'm changing to please him. I care if he cares! ”

He nods viciously a long with her pointing aggressively at her in his agreement.

“ Right! And I didn't ask for this bloody chip in my head! And me— this girl of mine— it was the same for me— The using part. I just wanted to know what I was missing, move on. Scratch the itch then wash my hands clean of the whole thing. But then… “ His anger fades and his gaze becomes unfixed again “ She was so raw. I've never felt anything like it. I gave her everything, would’ve done anything she asked and all I wanted was just some acknowledgement that’d I’d done it. That she at least saw how much I love her— to give me a crumb. “

His anger returns in an instant and his face contorts in the picture of heartbroken rage she’s seen a million times before.

“And instead she has the gall to come into my home and tell me it was all fake— that what I felt wasn’t a real thing, like I’d made it up— convinced myself it was real. "real for _you_ ” she says.” He sneers at the words. “ Can’t even bear to see me as a man but I’m still good enough to fill her up. Not anymore. I’m done with it. I can’t take anymore.”

Her heart aches for him at the sight. Even angry and in pain he really is just _too_ handsome and by the sounds of it, clearly under appreciated by his lover who cannot seem to appreciate the fact she’s got a gorgeous immortal lover with demonic stamina at her beck and call. Clearly she must be insane, but his last girlfriend was crazy and she kept him for a hundred years so maybe that wasn’t it.

Halfrek _was_ right. Men need a little vengeance now and then, too.

Anya stroked his arm trying to give him some comfort and Spike leaned into her touch like a starving man at a feast, his head even coming to that side like all of him was turning to take in that small affection. Like a sunflower following the sun, if sunflowers were vampires and the sun was basic kindness.

“ I understand how you feel I’ve been trying— trying to be done and move on but I can’t— I can’t get rid of all this hurt and I try to get the others to help but they don’t. They’re Xander’s friends not mine. He made a fool of me. And nobody seems to care enough to do anything! “

Her voice breaks at the end and suddenly the tables are turned and he’s now comforting her. His strong cool hand running soothingly down her back and his voice soft and gentle.

“ I care. What he done to you? I've never stooped that low, and I'm an _'evil, soulless thing'_ according to some people. “

“ But shouldn't he pay? Don't you wish he had to pay in some horrible way? “

“Absolutely. Take him on myself, if it wasn't for my little handicap. “

She looks up at him under her lashes. “ So ... hypothetically, what do you wish you could do to him?”

“ You name it, pet. You're the wronged party.” He nearly cooed it. “ Something, gruesome, how 'bout?"

A smile twitches on her lips for a second. That’d be nice, Spike’s good at the painful death thing plus with letting her have creative input, she knows he could get it done, probably bring her Xander’s mutilated head on a platter as proof after too. What a swell guy, whoever he’d been seeing really _didn’t_ deserve him. The thought brings her out of her own misery enough to remind her she’s not just fishing for a wish to mend her own pain but for something that she can make work for his too. She can’t just fish for something to hurt Xander. She’s got to completely switch tactics and try for something else. She hadn’t planned for this and she’s not sure what exactly to try and angle for.

Anya tries to rustle up a new plan but between his very expert back rubbing and the booze it’s just not happening. But maybe that’s fine, she can always try again later it’s not like this is her only shot at talking to Spike ever. This is good, she’s having a good time here with Spike, yes the topic of conversation isn’t exactly all that uplifting but he understands and he cares and she’s been _so desperate_ for that. She exhales, letting out all the fight she’d saved up to try and wrangle a wish out of him and lets her head rest against his.

“This is the first time since ... It feels good to be with someone who understands.”

She whispers it like is a secret, a confession she shouldn’t admit to. Anya looks up and catches his eye shyly, unintentionally. His eyes are very blue and very fiery for someone who’s extremely combustable.

“Intimately."

_Hoo boy_ and that’s as much up close Spike Intensity she can handle on 3? 4? 3? Glasses of whiskey and she drops her gaze again, staring at his black clad chest. It’s a nice chest.

“This whole time, I've been coming on all ... hell-bent and mad. Wanting his head, you know?”

“Yeah."

“When, really, I …” Her voice cracks “ I can't sleep at night, thinking it ... has to be my fault, somehow…”

His free hand that’s not stroking her back comes up to stroke her hair. It’s good it’s that hand because if he’d stopped stroking her back right now she’d have brained him.

“Shh…”

“ What if it _was_ just pretending? What if he never wanted me ... the way I wanted him? “ She sucks in a shuttering breath, closing her eyes “ Ohh. I'm sorry. This is—”

“Now now. “ He chides her gently, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya. He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.”

She opens her eyes again but stays staring at his chest, too scared to look him in the eye as she asks. He’s a man maybe he can make sense of it, because she’s a thousand years old and she can’t so maybe—

“ Then why? “ Her voice is so quiet and so desperate it almost breaks her to hear it out loud.

He sighs. “ The two of them ... they're weak, is all. But, I'll tell you what, though. They'll miss the water now that the well's gone dry. ”

She nods, or well, attempts to. She nods in spirit if not in body since her body doesn’t want to move anymore and would rather attempt to turn to stone, hopefully non-sentient non-feeling stone.

“ I just— I just wish—“

Spike shushes her and she stops as he begins to talk gently but firmly.

"Why wish vengeance against the one who hurt us? Will it make either of us feel better? Doubt it. More like, we'd just feel worse for hurting someone we still love, who doesn't give a damn about us. We'd still love them, though. If I could make just one wish, I would wish that we could both stop loving the ones who hurt us so badly."

**_This is it._ **

She can feel the wish bubbling up inside her, the power growing and burning through her, burning out everything that isn’t the power and the wish and the _relief_.

Her eyes snap up to meet his, her gaze steady her voice no longer shattered but firm and kind.

"Wish granted."

The world holds it’s breath along with them for a long moment then Spike exhales a shuddering breath and pulls back enough that he can really look at her and take her in.

"When did you become a Vengeance Demon again?"

Anyanka shrugged, smiling a bit sheepishly. "Right after Xander left me at the altar."

“Huh.” A beat. “Yeah sounds about right I s’pose. ” Spike answered.

Anyanka laughed warmly, playfully shoving at his shoulder and he grinned back waggling his eyebrows like a loon. It was like a weight had been lifted off her, she could laugh and smile and breath again. She could even think about Xander with out turning to pieces inside. Spike hadn’t looked this free in years either she noted and it made it all the better.

Suddenly he stood up and clapped his hands together as he grinned down at her eyes sparkling.

"Want to close up and get a bite to eat?"

“Oo!” She lept up from her seat, already excitedly grabbing the bottle and glasses to stash them again. “Yes! Let me just finish up checking the register and put these away and I’m ready to go!”

She bustled over to the counter and went at it with a fury, more than ready to go out and have a nice night of demonic bonding. She hadn’t had one since she’d moved in with Xander and frankly she was _long_ past due.

“ Alright good. Don’t take a dime outta there tho pet, this is my treat. A ‘welcome back to the fold’ dinner for my favorite demoness. Their mortal loss is our immortal gain n all that. ” He laughs a bit, rocking onto the balls of his feet.

She laughs as well and closes the register with a resounding _clunk!_ and comes back out from behind the counter putting her purse over her shoulder.

“ Lead the way oh master vampire ! On which restaurant shall we wreak tasty vengeance ? “

He positively howls with laughter, throwing an arm over her shoulders and gives her a squeeze as he leads them to the door. “ _Bloody hell!_ We _really_ do need to hang out more.”

* * *

In hindsight maybe she should have just gone to Willow from the start with the camera and just skipped the whole Spike thing completely. If he had been responsible she would’ve learned about it anyway and it would’ve saved time. Her mind skitters away from the memory of his expression when he kicked her ou— when she _left_. There was something about it that made her stomach knot but she ignored it and shunted everything related to him to the side. The _far, far, way_ far away side. What mattered right now that someone out there was monitoring her entire life and she needed to know who it was like _yesterday_ so she could beat the shit out of them.

Willow was blazing through the Matrix or whatever but she was only finding more and more feeds and Buffy wanted to scream. _How many did they need?_ This was a nightmare, she felt sick, violated and exposed. What were they doing with the footage? Just how many were there and where were they?

“ I think I've got the Magic Box. “ Willow called out, not looking up at her or Xander as she kept working. “Whoa! ”

Willow nearly fell out of her chair as suddenly the dining room was full of Spike’s voice. Buffy bristled automatically in her seat at the sound and Xander looked at the computer like it’d grown legs.

_“And instead she has the gall to come into my home and tell me it was all fake— that what I felt wasn’t a real thing, like I’d made it up— convinced myself it was real. "real for you” she says. Can’t even bear to see me as a man but I’m still good enough to fill her up. Not anymore. I’m done with it. I can’t take anymore.”_

His voice was practically dripping in pain and contempt at her, at himself. She flinched instinctively thinking back to the conversation she’d literally just been trying to push out of her head and here it was getting dragged up in front of everyone.

“What’s the Evil Dead doing there?”

“ I don’t— Well, I— “

Almost immediately Willow was cut off by the sound of Anya’s voice her tone thick with emotion and sympathy in a way that made Buffy’s insides squirm uncomfortably. Xander sprung up from his seat to stand behind Willow his expression growing more and more horrified.

_“ I understand how you feel, I’ve been trying— trying to be done and move on but I can’t— I can’t get rid of all this hurt and I try to get the others to help but they don’t. They’re Xander’s friends not mine. He made a fool of me. And nobody seems to care enough to do anything! “_

“ What the hell are they doing ?! Why is he touching her!? Are they— is he— ?!”

“ N-No I don’t think— Th-they’re not kissing, he’s comforting her. See— “ Willow pointed at the screen. “ Close but no face contact.”

Spike was confessing how she’d hurt him to _Anya_ of all people. _Anya_ who’d been left at the altar. _Anya_ who’d been in love and had her heart ripped out in front of everyone. _Anya who was completely and totally understanding how he was feeling._

_Oh God._

Buffy rocketed over to the computer as if she was possessed and looked on in horror with Xander as Spike stroked her back and spoke in soothing tones she’d never seen him use on anyone but maybe Dawn and _herself_.

_“ I care. What he done to you? I've never stooped that low, and I'm an 'evil, soulless thing.' According to some people. “_

_“ But shouldn't he pay? Don't you wish he had to pay in some horrible way? “_

_“Absolutely. Take him on myself, if it wasn't for my little handicap. “_

She looks up at him under her lashes. _“ So ... hypothetically, what do you wish you could do to him?”_

_“ You name it, pet. You're the wronged party. Something, gruesome, how 'bout? “_

Xander points viciously at the screen, triumphant to the point of mean spirited.

“See! He’s just taking advantage of her! He’s trying to manipulate her to get his chip out!”

“Are you sure? I mean she can’t grant wishes anymore so why bother doing to trick her?”

“I don’t know maybe he wants her to call up her one of her old demon buddies and have them do the job! Remember Buffy’s birthday party!”

“I-I don’t know I don’t think Anya would—“

Buffy’s veins were turning to ice, her whole body numb as she watched Spike treat Anya so kindly, she had seen him like this before but only alone, only with her. He was never like this with everyone else. Against her will her mind began to recollect every memory it could to confirm that, the sick feeling was not helped by the fact the instances became fewer and fewer as she closed in on this horrible moment. Unbidden it cut through her like a knife, _why isn’t it like that between us anymore?_ Just as cruelly her own mental voice replied, _because you won’t let it be_.

Vaguely she registered the front door opening and closing and Dawn’s voice coming towards them.

“Too close! That’s too— Anya get away from him don’t—“

“Xander—“

“What’s going on? Is — whoa! Are Anya and Spike kissing?!”

“NO!” “No!”

_“ This is the first time since ... It feels good to be with someone who understands.”_

_“Intimately. “_

_“This whole time, I've been coming on all ... hell-bent and mad. Wanting his head, you know?”_

_“Yeah. “_

_“When, really, I …”_ Her voice cracks and she looks so fragile and desolate _“ I can't sleep at night, thinking it ... has to be my fault, somehow…”_

_“Shh…”_

_“ What if it was just pretending? What if he never wanted me ... the way I wanted him? “_ She sucks in a shuttering breath, closing her eyes and doesn’t see how his heart is breaking along with hers in perfect sympathy _“ Ohh. I'm sorry. This is—”_

With that the room is suddenly dead quiet Xander’s desperate tirade halted by the on coming of his own tears. Dawn frantically looking between all of them— crying Xander, the Buffy Statue, teary Willow, Spike and Anya practically collapsing in tears in each other’s arms— and putting it all together with a speed and accuracy that made Buffy want to crawl in a hole and die. _Please don’t see me, don’t see this. Please._

“Oh, Poor Anya…” Willow breathed.

_“— He would have to be more than just the git he is, Anya. He'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want a woman like you.”_

_“ Then why? “_

Her voice is so agonized Buffy can’t even bear to look at her and she closes her eyes against it. Anya sounds like she’s felt for months. _And you didn’t do much to comfort her when she came to you, she made you her bridesmaid and when was the last time you spent any real time with her at all? She was always ‘Just Anya’ and now—_

Through the screen Spike sighs, thick and heavy with emotion. _“ The two of them ... they're weak, is all. But, I'll tell you what, though. They'll miss the water now that the well's gone dry. ”_

Buffy’s eyes snap open again her heart suddenly hammering in terror. Intellectually she knows she’s the one who ended it, who wanted it him out of her life but his tone is so final— like it’s over for real, on terms she can’t control or change. Which is fine, right? She didn’t want to get back with him. Ever. So then why did she want to scream?

“This feels really icky to watch, like we’re all standing here reading their diaries. Shouldn’t we like not? Why are we to begin with?”

“I know Dawnie but someone’s got live feeds of everywhere— the house, the Magic Box and I’m trying to find out who and—“

“Ooooh.”

_“ I just— I just wish—“_

_"Why wish vengeance against the ones who hurt us? Will it make either of us feel better? Doubt it. More like, we'd just feel worse for hurting someone we still love, who doesn't give a damn about us. We'd still love them, though. If I could make just one wish, I would wish that we could both stop loving the ones who hurt us so badly."_

_"Wish granted."_

There’s a solid beat as they all stare gobsmacked, brains rebooting from total system crashes her words sent them into.

“ What the _fuCK_ —“

“ _Dawnie!_ ”

“Oh God…”

“She’s a Vengeance Demon again?! Oh God, that’s why she was trying to get me say wish earlier! She wanted me to curse Xander!”

Buffy said nothing, just stared uncomprehending as Anya and Spike began to laugh and joke. Spike had willingly and possibly _knowingly_ wished away his love for her? ** _And it worked._** Which meant that he did— had— loved her— but it had to be like, a twisted vampiric love not real actual love, right? The wish would still work on that, right? It was good that he’d done it, she’d wanted his obsession with her to end for years and now Poof! All good! She should be planning her thank you gift basket for Anya as we speak, only it felt more like her heart had just been punched clear out of her chest and her legs kicked out from under her. Spike’s loving her, his borderline, —okay super not borderline, totally batshit refusal— to give up on it and her had been a constant in her life, something she relied on to help make sense of things to _well_ — **_use_** when she needed to. _And he’d actively chosen to get rid of it, of her_. _She’d finally pushed him too far and completely pushed him away_.

_"Want to close up and get a bite to eat?"_

_“Oo! Yes! Let me just finish up checking the register and put these away and I’m ready to go!”_

Dimly she notes Willow’s typing picking up with more fervor and Xander’s pained litany’s of “No”. Right, the cameras are here because someone is stalking her. She can’t seem to care or focus on that right now. There’s a hand on her arm spinning her around and — Dawn? And they’re in the Kitchen? When did they get there?

Her sister’s eyes bore into her. _Please stop seeing me._

“You were dating Spike? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“ I wasn’t dating Spike. It was —it was complicated okay. But we weren’t dating and it just… it wasn’t good for me— for either of us.”

“Well clearly, he just wished it all away. Are you sure you’re okay? I mean that’s— that’s a big deal isn’t it?”

Those big beautiful eyes are looking at her so filled with concern that Buffy has to close her own.

“I’m fine.”

“Uh huh, sure, because this is totally normal fine person behavior.”

“ I told you I’m fi—“

“Hey Buffy, ” Willow stood in the doorway to the kitchen, eyes wide with worry. “ I think I might have something on the location thing.”

Buffy pushed past her sister, ignoring her completely.

“Thanks Willow, show me what you’ve got.”


	2. Demons' Night Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a bit longer to edit than I'd wanted since I was either too tired to brain good, working on the prelim for another piece, or doing things for work rip. I'd been hoping to average about a chapter a week since I had some head way but I took a bit off the end of this chapter and have stuck it in a new doc that _might_ end up being the new chapter 3 since I felt it was just better, more natural feeling end without it. So we'll see how I do with that, how long it takes to sort out and then how long it takes for me to get back on track writing chap 6. hopefully not too long, I wanna unleash chap 6 asap-- it increases the Dawn Content™ by like a 1000000% and I am feral about Dawn I love her.

The restaurant Spike picked out was certainly better than the dive bar she’d half expected him to take her to. Though if she was honest she didn’t have too many pre-existing notions about where he might take her. They had never really spent time together before now, she hadn’t wanted to since it was such an obvious way to get even _more_ on everyone’s bad side than she already was. She was seeing now that maybe that hadn’t been the best course of action because honestly, who was going to be better company for her out of all of them? The other demon? Or Willow glaring at her across the table for the millionth time?

It was liberating to be free of the niggling _“but Xander“_ thoughts that stopped her from hanging out with her kind or expressing herself as she pleased. She wasn’t worrying about embarrassing or hurting anyone but herself anymore. She was still fond of him, could remember when she had loved him and appreciate that time but there were fears, hurts and anxieties she hadn’t even realized she’d been carrying because of him that had just rolled off her shoulders like stones with the wish.

She felt like herself again for the first time in a long time.

Spike looked like it was much the same for him where he sat across from her in their little wooden booth, his posture more open and back straighter than she ever seen. She’d never gotten a chance to see him in action when he was actively evil but she knew his reputation and supposed she could see some of where that came from now. That quiet desperation that had hung around him was gone and an easy confidence was slipping back in now that it finally was, like he knew that besides her, chip or no chip he was the most deadly thing in the room. Good for him!

“You decided whether or not to stick around here now that you’re all demon again and free of the baggage?”

Anya shrugged, that was a question she’d been asking herself in one form or another for a while now even before the wish.

“Well, I’m back and forth on it. Honestly I don’t really _need_ to stick around here now that I’ve got my old job back but I _do_ love the shop plus I think I’d feel bad leaving the others completely to their own devices, they’re so squishy and mortal.” She scrunched her nose. “Plus Willow’s about one bad day away from going on a mystical bender, it’d probably be irresponsible to leave with that on the table. I might not be in love with him anymore but I’d still be sad if Xander went kablooey because his friend’s a giant train wreck. What about you? You still planning to stick around? ”

“ Course. I still got the chip don’t I? Not keen on going too far out in the world with it still in at the mo. Sides may not love— I respect the Slayer enough I’m willing to help out here n there. Gotta look out for the Bit too, she’s my girl, be cut up if I skipped town. But the Crypt’s a bombed out shell so I’m gonna have to do somethin’ about that—”

She cut him off looking horrified. “Your crypt got blown up?!”

He raised his brows at her reaction. “ Yeah before the wedding, causality in the war against evil. Slayer and Captain Cardboard smoked it with a belt of grenades.”

“Oh but Spike that’s horrible! Your things! They’re all destroyed! And that awful artificial explosion smell will be in there for ages! That has to be a killer on your nose! You cannot really be still living there!”

He shrugs. “ It’s as good a place as any and I hadn’t really wanted to get into trying to find new one. Not many crypts have 2 levels and tunnel access you know, it’s prime real estate.”

“But you cannot live in a bombed out shell! No way! I refuse to allow it!”

“ _Anyanka_ …”

He tries to hit her with a quelling look but it just rolls off her like water off a duck. She’s too juiced up on righteous indignation to be stopped by anything.

“ Nope. Not going to hear it Spike, you’re staying with me. At least until you can get your place fixed up and before you get all _‘I don’t want your charity or pity because I’m a big bad vampire’_ or whatever you’re gonna contribute to the rent or at least pay the utilities while you live with me.”

He glares at her, looking caught between annoyance, amusement and sucking on a lemon. He kept glaring in silence for a while, probably sizing up just how serious she was Anya simply sipped her wine imperiously. _Ugh_ it was so good to be the legal drinking age again.

“Not gonna budge on this huh?”

“Nope.”

“ Not gonna be able to get you to give up on it am I?”

“I’m terrifyingly stubborn.”

He shakes his head, laughing. “Infuriating chit. Alright I’ll bring my meager things to yours then.”

She beamed at him obnoxiously, preening over her victory while he shook his head fondly. This was nice, friendship— which she was fairly sure this was— was nice. She’d forgotten that a bit in her brief stint as a human and she’d lost touch with most of her demonic friends. Their food came, his Pasta all'Amatriciana and her Osso buco alla Milanese, and they both dug in with equal gusto.

She took a bite sighed happily. “ I love Italy. I once had a job there where this girl wished she could rip out his spine and beat him to death with it.” She stared off a bit wistfully. “ It was wonderful— simple, to the point and gory. She cried the whole time. The food is good too. Me and Hallie got dinner after at this cute little bistro.”

He smiled at her fondly, like she’d seen humans do when someone showed them pictures of their tiny screaming babies. It confirmed her theory that they were now firmly out of the _“acquaintances”_ stage and into the _“ loose friendship”_ one.

“Not a fan of the place myself personally, had a run in with a bloke that sort of ruined the place for me, that wish sounds like a real laugh tho. Thought about trying to beat someone with a spine before, wanted to see if you could do it.”

“ Well the fact that I used magic certainly helped keep all the vertebrae from flying off but I like to think the spinal cord did most of the real work of keeping it all in one piece.” She supplied perkily before popping more pasta into her mouth.

Spike grinned then sighed wistfully. “Sometimes I miss the screamin’ you know?”

She did and she made the appropriate sounds of understanding and patted his forearm sympathetically. Poor baby. Demons didn’t scream as much as human did.

“Do you think you’ll look up your sire again now that you’re a free man?”

“Dru? Christ after the mess I made of things last time I saw her think I’m gonna need a few decades before I can show my face around her. Reckon she might take me back if I grovel enough but it’s just too sodding embarrassing to even consider at the mo.”

“When was this?” She felt like she should probably know but the others seemed to only tell her things when they felt like it or in incomplete terms when it came to normal, not monster killing things— like vampire gossip.

“Oh about when I chained up Buffy, offered to kill Dru to prove my love and begged her to admit she had feelings for me. An absolute fucking ** _disaster_** , I’ve never felt like such a colossal wanker in my life. ”

She groaned loudly, head falling back and hitting the wood behind her. Spike gestured at her fervently.

“I know right!? Chain a girl up and offer to kill your undying love and dark savior to prove your affection for her and she throws it in your face! Dru was heartbroken when she left and Buffy trashed my place! Seeing now that’s a habit of her, breaking my shit.”

“But that’s so romantic! Chains! Killing your sire and former lover as a testament to your feelings! I’d be swooning all over the place!”

He smacks the table. “That’s what I thought!”

Anyanka rolls her eyes dramatically and makes a face. “Humans. They just don’t _get_ it and they don’t want to! I swear, every time I try and talk about myself and, you know, _make friendship happen_ with their little group, I just get ‘be quiet Anya’! Well, what do you want me to do then? Sit here quietly staring at the wall while you all talk about your own boring short lives? They’ve all been fighting demons and things since they were teens! They should be able to handle a story with a little blood in it from like five hundred years ago! Don’t tell me to censor myself because you’re all too scared to remember I’m a thousand years older and scarier than all of you! Toughen up already!”

He raised his glass to her with a ‘here, here!’ And she happily took her own wine glass and tapped it against his.

“ It’s a bitch being the adults in the room but s’pose someone has to be. Might as well be us, the rest of them certainly aren’t qualified.”

She snorted. “That’s for sure. I swear sometimes I really feel my age hanging around you all. You’re all so bright eyed and full of hope and vim, like big tax paying toddlers.”

He mock glared, pointing accusatorially. “Excuse me miss cradle robber, but I do _not_ pay taxes.”

Anyanka just rolled her eyes. “ You’re the baddest little baby on the playground.”

“ _Kindergartener_. The rest of them are babies.”

Anyanka frowns. “This metaphor is just making me think of a small child wearing a leather jacket and smoking which is kind of cool but mainly… disturbing?”

Spike cracks up slumping over himself in his seat. Ridiculous chit. Can’t believe he’d even gone along with that riff but her expression is charming, like she’s trying to solve a maths equation and getting “orange” every time.

He should’ve been stealing her from under the Whelp’s worthless nose for demons’ nights out ages ago, she was the best laugh out of all them outside of Dawn.

* * *

Anya decided to splurge and get a tiramisu for dessert since she wasn’t paying and after all, the dinner _was_ in her honor. It was the correct choice, it was very good tiramisu.

“Honestly, being the oldest person in the room can be so exhausting sometimes, I just can’t understand why they do or think or feel things they way they do. It’s been ages since some of the stuff they worry about had meant anything to me. You know, I _thought_ Buffy would be better about it what with the whole Slayer thing, more mature than the rest but I am constantly found corrected on that one. But I can give her some slack for this year, I guess, what with the coming back from the dead and all.”

Spike sits on his bench resting fully on the tall wooden back of the little booth alcove, somehow seeming to completely fill it despite his lean frame.

“ You know something I’ve been wondering for a while now, the Whelp and Glinda helping out Red with bringing her back I get, I can see how she’d wrangle them into it but you… You knew better I’d wager. Old as you are I bet you’d seen enough attempts at that kinda thing to know better than to try it yourself. Why did you help them?”

Anyanka looks up from her tiramisu and looks at him with a shrewd glimmering look that hammered home just how much older she really was. If she’d been a vamp like him by her age she’d have likely lost a fair bit of her human looks by now, maybe even picked up some new strictly demonic features. As it was he knew she had another more demonic face, like his own, floating just behind the human one ready to come out and play at any moment.

“ You’re right. I had a pretty good idea of how badly it could go, I tried to get them to knock it off at first when Willow started talking to Xander about it but once it was clear they were going to do it and damn the consequences I just said screw it. They were gonna do it with or without me. At least if I went along with it I was in the loop and could maybe ** _do something_** if Willow _really_ screwed the pooch. I was a witch you know, before I became a vengeance demon the first time and even as a demon I didn’t suddenly stop knowing all of it or learning about magic and I didn’t forget any of it when I became mortal.”

He raised a brow. “No shit?”

“Mm hm.” She took a bite of her dessert with a little wicked witchy smile. She dropped the look though as she continued, not wanting to send mixed messages. “ I like Buffy don’t get me wrong— or well, I’m pretty neutral on Buffy most of the time and very Pro-Buffy when she’s between me and something that wants to eat me. So if it all went totally perfect then hey, good for her! If someone’s gonna get hauled out of the grave might as well be someone like her right? But really, I completely expected Willow to mess up. Maybe not huge but enough that it would hurt, you know? Like nothing came back to life but she got hurt doing it. Guess I got that right in the end, huh? In spirit at least. Buffy came back basically fine, but she’s still not quite herself. Not the Buffy they _wanted_ her to be at least.”

She gives him a knowing look, the air between them charged. His love for Buffy might be in the past but he _did_ still respect her, she was a fighter, a warrior, and a good woman. She didn’t deserve want she’d gotten. But Anyanka plows on, unconcerned at how his demeanor has cooled to something preparing to transition into more lethal waters.

“ It’s the human thing again. I tried to tell them but I guess they didn’t understand or just ignored me like always. Same reason you’d want to bring her back is the reason you _don’t_ do it. They were so stuck on the _hows_ of her death they didn’t think about bigger picture. Okay, she died closing hell portals and such.” She waves her hand dismissively. “ _She died a hero’s death_. That’s what matters, that’s _always_ what matters, unless it’s explicit in the event that say, closing the portal will destroy her soul or whatever, then no worries. But they didn’t want to hear that and I’ll be honest I was hurting, they acted like the fact I didn’t want them to do it meant I didn’t like Buffy and that I was a bad person or something. I never liked how they all treated me — especially Willow — how Xander never really stuck up for me, how they made me feel like a freak for having been a demon. They made me feel bad for not understanding things and got annoyed when I was upset because I didn’t understand and no one would explain. But they’re all I had as a human and I loved Xander, I couldn’t tell them to shove it and leave. Where the heck would I go? Who would I talk to?”

Her gaze and voice are steady.

“I’ve spend more of my life as a wish granting demon than I have a human either time, so I just did what came naturally. They wanted something that desperately who was I to stop them? They wanted _their_ Buffy back so of course I’d help them do it. Part of my job was letting people’s own words and bad ideas hurt them as much as they hurt my victims. I didn’t sabotage or fiddle with the spell or anything okay— before you even _consider_ that. I didn’t need to, spells like that even when they go off without a hitch don’t give the caster _exactly_ what they wanted. That’s an impossible ask. Death doesn’t put the person on pause, their soul remembers where it was, you don’t get back whatever shiny happy version of them you’ve built up in your head. “

His face is carefully expressionless. “ _‘Be careful what you wish for’_ . “

She nods slightly, pointing at him with her fork. “Bingo. My slogan since 860 BCE.”

She drops her fork however and sighs loudly, shaking off some of her game vibes, her posture relaxing into something more like human Anya than demon Anyanka.

“I _do_ feel bad for Buffy though. _She’s_ the one who’s gotta live with getting brought back and everyone just _assuming_ she’ll solve everything while she’s trying to deal with the whole ripped out of Heaven thing. I’d like to give her a hand as a bit of a ‘sorry I helped ruin your afterlife’, but it’s never come up before and well, we’re not really pals or anything. ”

Spike relaxes again, satisfied that she’s at least not _that_ much of a petty bitch that she’d actively have set out to hurt Buffy or be comfortable with Buffy’s pain. And he can’t be too mad about it all in the end, He’d been elated she was alive, reckoned he still was to some extent. He was still sussing out the full extent of the wish’s effect but far as he could tell, his feelings hadn’t flipped all the way back to hate and he still remembered how ardently he’d loved her which certainly colored his judgement even now in this, making him ready to go at Anya’s throat over her. Likely his feelings for her would always be complicated from here on out, but for now at least he could say he hadn’t decided to make her slayer number 3 or something like that with reasonable certainty. Maybe someday, though he doubted that day might ever come. For now he still felt the compulsion to look out for her, to watch her back. Old Habits and all that.

“She’s had the money trouble. Could help with that.”

Anya frowned. “Yes, there was that, but she got a job and didn’t Giles help her with the rest?”

“Wrote her a check.” He drawled blankly.

Anya’s eyebrows shot up. “And that’s it? For how much?”

“Hell if I know. I’m not privy to the Summers Family Fortunes I just overhear things sometimes when I’m about the house but it at least helped deal with the back expenses from the hospital and house shit from when she was dead if I have it right.”

She sighs, a hand rubbing her forehead in aggravation.

“ _And none of them. At any point after her death or return. Thought to ask me, the Money Gal, about what to do about this?_ “

Spike shrugged. “ Said it yourself. None of them like you much do they? ”

Anya _harrumph_ ed and digged back into her tiramisu with new intensity.

“Ugh _fine_ , I’ll clear some time in the week on my schedule and be a bossy bitch at Buffy until she caves and submits to my superior money managing powers and do what I can to make sure she’s not going to be miserable _and_ homeless.”

He tips his glass to her. “Ta, love. Hate for the bit to get whisked off because the college kids can’t collectively add or pay a damn bill.”

She smiles. “ It’s sweet, you know, how much you care about Dawn. It’s totally bizarre for a vampire but very, very sweet. ”

He glares at her. “ There’s nothing about me that’s sweet. ”

She rolls her eyes. “ If you say so Big Bad.”

She was always so unimpressed with him, even the rest had been scared of him before the chip had ruined his reputation but Anya’d always landed blows on the old ego with how blasé she was about his menace. He’d need to do something about that, especially if he’d be crashing at hers for a bit.

Finally, they wrapped up their dinner. Anyanka watched happily as she didn’t have to crack her own wallet to pay for it before she practically dragged him to his crypt to collect his things. Yes, she really _was_ serious about that and _no_ , she was not going to let him _‘do it on his own time’_. He’d just slack off and never get around to it to try and get out of accepting her very rare generosity and that was stupid so he didn’t get a say in it.

After a quick teleport to grab some cardboard boxes from the storeroom and about 5 minutes to collect the roughly 10 things he still owned they were off heading back to her place, chatting amicably about whatever came to mind.

* * *

Anyanka’s apartment was clean and well decorated, which didn’t surprise him in the slightest, she was a classy woman after all. What did surprise him was that it had a guest bedroom. Hadn’t thought she would’ve bothered with that but he wasn’t going to complain, he didn’t want to think about trying to sleep out in on the couch with all those big windows and gauzy curtains. Spike dumped his blood in the fridge and chucked the rest of his shit on the floor of the guest bedroom. Move in complete.

Anyanka had spotted that gauzy issue as well and grabbed some excess sheets from her room, getting on a chair and throwing them over the curtain rods.

“This should do for now, if it’s not working I’ll go out and get some black out curtains. I should probably get some tomorrow for your room though.”

“ Don’t worry about it, pet. I can manage. Just gonna be here for a few days don’t waste the money.”

She turned from her place on the chair to glare at him. “ I’m _not_ going to have vampire dust in my nice new apartment. It’s impossible to get out, worse than beach sand.”

The sand bit she grumbled petulantly, eyeing her carpet like she’s already imagining how much of a pain getting him out of it will be.

Spike chuckled and held up his hands in defeat. “Alright, alright. I’ll do my best not to get my bits over your nice things, promise.”

Anyanka hops off her chair, hands on her hips and pouting very menacingly. “ You better buster!”

Spike laughed and flopped down onto the couch as she dragged the chair back to its spot and headed to her room, likely to get out of her little red number.

“ You got cable?” He called as he started hunting for the remote.

“ _Duh_. And Premium.”

“ _Oooo_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The smoking baby line is a rip off of a joke from veep. I was watching "best insult" comps from it around the time I made my first edit pass on the chap and just -- _the vibes man. ___
> 
> Feedback is as always greatly appreciated!


	3. Getting Kinda Navel Gazey There Buf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter finally here! It's been held hostage by me shifting most of my focus to working on another btvs story I'm working on plus some usual impediments like work and brooding on how to go about things here. I didn't want to post this one until I'd written the rough draft for the new chapter 4, the rearranging I did thanks to the last chapter has me up from 5 to 8 chapters sitting in the file now (tho the last 2 aren't done yet shhh). 
> 
> Hopefully now that I've sorted that out and feel more comfortable focusing on the later chapters we can have a vaguely coherent update schedule [snorts]
> 
> Some dialogue here is from _"Seeing Red"_ something I also forgot to mention I did in the first chapter with _"Entropy"_ though I feel like it was probably a given. Speaking of _The Most Cursed Episode_ thanks to the "no trio" part of the request and my own choices there is no fear of any of it's cursed content appearing here! _I'm the man now dog._
> 
> EDIT: I FORGOT THAT MY SECTION BREAKS DON'T CARRY OVER FROM MY DOC LIKE AN IDIOT!!!! I'm very sorry about that and I just went in and added them I hope for everyone who read this chapter without them it wasn't too confusing!!!

Buffy was dreading walking into the Magic Box, Willow had offered to go and tell Anya about the camera and help her find it since apparently Buffy’s distress last night had not been as covert as she’d hoped but Buffy had insisted since well, _Slayer_ and all. Her sacred duty to give people the heads up on enemy spy stuff or something to that effect. She really should have taken Willow up on her offer when she had the chance. She didn’t want to see Anya after last night— but at the same time she did. But to do what? Scream at her? Kick her ass? Thank her? Not slay her, that was for sure. As vengeance wishes went that one had been super tame compared to some of the stuff Anya said she’d done in the day, totally not a slayable offense at all.

She stood frozen just in range of the front door trying to muster the power to either open the damn thing or chicken out when it burst open and she was left staring wide eyed at a very exasperated Anya. The other woman grabbed Buffy by one of the arms crossed against her chest and dragged her into the shop with a strength that startled her. _Right, demon again_ , _all kinds of strong and scary now_. That was gonna take a while sink in, they’d never really met the demon Anyanka, she’d sort of always just been normal human ex-demon weirdo Anya Jenkins to most of them. The fact that she had even been a demon at all was more like, on paper info, technically real but without any real weight to it. Until now that was.

“Buffy as much as I appreciate that sometimes doing things is hard, you’re going to scare away my customers standing there like a creep and I don’t have time to wait around for you to open a door. Since you’re here now anyway I’m going to jam in what _I_ wanted to talk to you about now and I don’t want to get anymore behind than is strictly necessary.”

Buffy looked at her frazzled and confused, but happy to let her take charge of the conversation. “Um, okay? What did you want to talk about?”

Anya leaned back on the counter arms crossed, confident and casual while Buffy just kind of stood there, hugging herself.

“Your money situation. But we can get into the details of that in a bit.” She waves a hand dismissively. “You came here for a reason, what’s up? Something big?”

Buffy’s stomach somehow dropped twice in the span of a sentence.

“Oh um yeah… last night we found a camera in front of my house and when we traced it we found more, all over. At all our jobs…”

“ _Oh._ ” Her voice was very soft.

“Yeah…” _Buffy would very much like to vanish now please thanks._

“And I don’t suppose you saw anything on the Magic Box camera last night?”

Her arms fell to her sides. Anya didn’t seem too hurt or worried that they might have overheard anything which was something.

Buffy shifted uneasily. “ Yeah… some of your chat with Spike… the wish…”

Anya had the decency to cringe a bit before sighing and shrugging.

“Not how I’d have liked for any of that to come out but it was bound to happen sooner rather than later anyway. Who saw the feed?”

“Willow, Dawn, me, …Xander.”

Anya made a pitying sound and slumped against the counter. “ Poor Xander. That’s awful, I was hoping to let him know gently.”

Buffy looked at her stunned. “But why? You don’t love him anymore—“

Anya rolled her eyes. “Just because I’m not _in love_ with him or _in pain_ about the break up doesn’t mean I hate him or anything now. I still care about him but like, in a friendly non romantic, non sexual way. I don’t want to actively hurt his feelings if I can help it.”

“ Oh, okay. That’s good I guess.”

Anya pushed off from the counter. “ Thank Spike, it was his wish and wording after all. I’d been gunning for carnage, _as you well know_. His suggestion was better in the end though. So—!” She clapped her hands together, giving Buffy a start. “Camera. You remember the angle it was pointing or something like that?”

This whole conversation was going to give her whiplash.

“Yeah, it was facing the table and the counter.”

“So it’s in something on the shelves then hm…”

The two women set to work examining all the merchandise on the shelves carefully. They focused mainly on that, Buffy taking the shelving unit that cut into the center of the room and Anya looking at the one that hugged the wall. Thinking back to last night and what she’d seen Buffy tried to recreate the angle as best she could. It took her a moment but when it seemed about right she turned around and started looking at anything big enough to find a camera like that one that’d been in the gnome. Now that she knew what she was looking for it didn’t take long. She grabbed the skull of the shelf turning it upside down to get at the camera and crush it in her hand. Anya turned around at the sound and nodded appreciatively.

“Thanks.”

“No problem, just doin’ my job.”

“Well you’re very good at it.” Anya chirped as she slipped into one of the chairs at the table.

Buffy couldn’t stop her little smile at that. “ Thanks.” She joined Anya at the table sliding into the seat next to her, pulled on by the force of her personality.

“So, you wanted to talk to me about my money? What brought that up?”

“Welp, Spike and I were talking at dinner and I mentioned I felt bad about the raw deal you got with the whole resurrection thing and how I’d have liked to help you out but figured you didn’t want it or something since you didn’t ask and I thought Giles had helped sort it all out anyway. And Spike told me that as far as he knew Giles had just given you a check but that you were still not doing too hot. I mean trying to run _that_ house, on a part time minimum wage salary?” She snorts. “So he suggested I help with that and I want to so I’m going to whether you like it or not.”

She grinned at Buffy, clearly very pleased with herself. Buffy had to admit it was a bit weird to be so aggressively threatened with help she was happy to take, but weird in a cute, bossy way. Like the rare occasions Cordelia had decided to be nice. Even if the mention of finances had her wanting to run out into the sunny morning screaming. What also struck her and did a lot more damage to her shellshocked brain was that it was _Spike_ who had been the one to nudge Anya into offering to help.

“ Spike? Spike mentioned it to you? How did he even know about the check? And why would he? We’re not toge—“ She cut herself off biting her lip, looking at Anya wild eyed.

Anya gave her a knowing look, _oh god he told her everything didn’t he_ , and replied in a very ‘I’m being patient for the slow girl’ tone. “I just told you how it was with Xander remember? He didn’t go all the way back to hating you or anything he just, doesn’t love you anymore. He still remembers that he _did_ and how it felt and that’s a pretty good incentive to care, especially for a guy like Spike.”

Buffy swallowed thickly, “Right.” Her eyes started to well up against her will and she turned away from Anya, trying to look as normal as possible as she got a hold of herself. _What on earth was wrong with her?_

Anya stayed silent, watching her for a long moment before putting a hand on her upper arm and bringing Buffy’s attention back to her.

“Hey, I’m gonna do you another favor, I’ll give you a wish.”

Buffy felt like she’d been hit by lightening. “A _what?!_ ”

“You heard me. A wish. If anyone deserves revenge it’s you and don’t try to bullshit me about how you’re fine. You’re not. At all. I can feel it. And it sucks a whole lot.” Anya’s face crumpled, matching what Buffy’s must have looked like a moment ago.

“But don’t you do like, scorned women or whatever? Like cheating boyfriends and stuff? I am all not with the scorned or cheaty boyfriends right now.”

“Yes I do, and r _eally_ if we just went by shitty guys you’d been with I’d probably owe you a couple more wishes at this point, but after helping out Spike I’m considering branching out just a smidge. Maybe I might help a heartbroken boy here and there now, and while you didn’t get cheated on you did get wronged pretty badly by well, all of us, exes included. So I’m giving you a wish, you don’t have to use it now but if you ever want to throw Willow into a boiling pot of oil or Set Angel’s very bad hairstyle on fire just let me know.”

It was a deeply unnerving offer but she guessed it was Anya’s way of saying “sorry” and trying to give her something nice, or well, potentially helpful and possibly cathartic. If she’d offered to her earlier this year she might of actually taken her up on it but not anymore, she had moved past the worst of that black gnawing feeling. Or at least she hoped so. But it was the thought that counted right?

“Thanks I guess? I’ll keep it in mind.”

Anya smiled and drew her into a big hug which caught Buffy totally off guard. She recovered and returned it awkwardly.

“Good because we’ve got to get you less depressed. It’s killing me feeling how messed up you are.”

Okay, confusing much. “What? Are you like telepathic or something now? Is that a vengeance demon thing?”

Anya pulled away rolling her eyes and getting up, giving Buffy a light smack on the head as she went. “ _Empathic_. How do you think we find people to make a wish? Letters to Santa?”

Buffy got up as well, arms crossed and pouting.

“Maybe, what do I know? Could be a sweepstakes.”

Anya laughed getting back behind the counter. “ Okay, that could be fun.”

Buffy smiled, this had been completely different than what she’d been dreading and actually kinda nice… Anya was weirdly refreshing and much with the no judgey compared to everyone else, was that like, a demon thing or an empath thing? She felt better about things now, not amazingly but enough that she felt just a bit lighter. Things weren’t as disastrous as she’d thought.

“Well, I’ll head out then and let you get back to it.”

“Great, I’ll come over this week to go over your finances alright?”

“Sound good. I’m gonna drop by Spike’s and let him know about the camera thing I guess. Probably should since, well.”

“Oh Don’t worry I can tell him. He’s staying with me so I can tell him when I get in tonight.”

_So much for feeling lighter._

“He’s staying with you? Why?”

“Well _soooooomeone_ blew up his crypt—“ Buffy winced. “And now all his stuff is trashed and his place is a damn mess. I’ve got a spare room and he was a real friend to me last night so I figured I’d return the favor while he’s cleaning it up.”

Buffy relaxed, not sure why’d she’d even tensed to begin with.

“That’s super nice of you Anya.”

Anya preened at the compliment and beamed. “ I know. Plus he’s paying half the rent.”

Buffy grinned. _Spike paying rent._

* * *

For how monumental and world changing it felt the aftermath of the wish was fairly subdued. Life was moving on pretty much how it normally would, Xander had eventually left to try and sleep before work and Buffy had gone out to patrol like usual. Despite how it felt, there was no Big Bad involvement and no one had been hurt. Well, that wasn’t completely true, Xander was devastated and Buffy was lost at sea, unable to seem to find her footing though Willow wasn’t quite sure why it had effected her like that. But beds had been made with bad relationship choices, now they all had to lie in them. Regardless of how much it hurt them, Anya and Spike had wished away their feelings for a reason, _they_ had been the wronged parties.

Well Anya definitely, the whole Spike half of it she wasn’t really sure about at all. Willow wasn’t exactly Spike’s biggest fan, or Anya’s for that matter, but it was hard to think he deserved whatever heartache he’d been going through after watching him pour his guts out to Anya and be so nice to her about Xander. It wasn’t a side of him she’d ever seen before, a side that made her forget for a moment that he was an evil soulless vampire. He’d just been… sweet, and sad… and in need of someone to care for and to care about him.

It made her guts all twisty, she felt bad that she hadn’t been more supportive of Anya after the wedding fell through. Sure she was Xander’s best friend first and her relationship with the ex — no _now_ — vengeance demon had been rocky from day one but they’d really improved coming up to the wedding! And Anya was the one who’d been left at the altar and she didn’t really have many friends outside of the scoobies. She couldn’t help but feel that she could’ve at least given the other woman a hug, cookies, a girls night and a shoulder to cry on— something more than she had and maybe at least she wouldn’t have felt she had to go back to demoning— like people cared and stuff.

Thinking about Spike made her insides twisty in a whole different way, who he was talking about wasn’t outright stated but there was only one option currently that she knew of and Buffy’s reaction to everything they’d seen had not been one of a girl happy to hear her weirdo vampire stalker was finally throwing in the towel. She didn’t know what to do with that information, that Spike not loving her anymore might _not_ be something Buffy wanted and she sure as shit didn’t know how to bring it up with her, or if she even wanted too.

Tara’s hand came up and stroked the back of her head and Willow grinned, snuggling deeper onto her girlfriend’s shoulder. Her own joy flaring up again and shoving all her concerned friend feelings out of the way once more. She looked up at Tara adoringly and Tara smiled her sweet soft smile back and Willow couldn’t help but kiss her. It felt like it’d been a lifetime, not just months since she’d gotten to kiss her and she couldn’t get enough of it— or really just anything that involved them and close contact.

After about a year of just losing herself in soft Tara kisses Willow laid her head on her girlfriend’s stomach, just basking in her presence. Tara’s fingers began stroking her back and shoulders in gentle little nonsense patterns and she hummed happily.

“Mmm, I forgot how good this could feel. Us. Together. Without the magic. “

“There was plenty of magic. “ She can hear the smile in her voice.

Willow grins, then sighs, real world life thoughts creeping back into their happy bubble room now that she’s completely awake.

“It's getting late. “

Tara’s hand stills in her hair. “ Wanna get up? “

“No!” Willow exclaims and Tara laughs. “Oh god, no. I was just thinking about Buffy.” Her voice trails out a bit at the end as she shifts a little, uneasy at the thought of her best friend. Tara’s hand resumed it’s motions.

“Oh. She isn't in?”

“I didn't hear her come back. She wouldn't talk about what happened at the magic shop, she just wanted to know how close I was to tracing the camera signal back to the Empire of the Nerds. And then she left to patrol so…” Willow shrugs.

“I’m sure she'll be okay.” She gave her shoulder a squeeze in reassurance.

“Yeah, I'm not really worried about her going up against Warren and the others. I know this is going to sound crazy, but …” Willow hesitated, not sure if she wanted to bring this up now or say it out loud and make it more then some crazy theory. But she wanted— _needed_ — to sound it out against someone and if she couldn’t trust Tara to understand that then who could she? And where would that leave them on that relationship rebuild?

“ I think something might be going on. With Spike and Buffy.”

She paused, licking her lips anxiously. “I mean, she looked so hurt when she saw him with Anya. I think maybe- “

“ They've been sleeping together.” It came out in a rush, but a matter of fact rush. Willow laughed incredulously, totally no way. Maybe Buffy like, kinda liked him but _sleeping together_? Buffy? _Spike_? _Noooo_ way.

“No. I wouldn't go that far.”

“No, I mean she told me they've been sleeping together.”

Tara’s tone was so totally “this is just a fact like, sky is blue fact” that Willow shot up to her elbows to look at her utterly bewildered.

“Sleeping together? You mean like the naked kind of together?”

Tara sighs, apologetic. “I’m sorry I didn't say anything, but I- I promised her I wouldn’t.”

Willow gaped at her. “Does everybody else know? Am I the only one she didn't- “

Tara shook her head wildly. “ God, no. She, she didn't even mean to tell me, it just came out.”

“How could she hide something like this from me?” She stared at Tara’s face utterly baffled and a kinda hurt that Buffy hadn’t confided in her as well while the gears in her head whirred, trying to process the new information that Buffy had in fact, been doing Spike. For like _a while_.

“I think she was afraid of the look you'd get on your face.” Tara gave her a pointed look. “Kinda like the one you're wearing now.”

She snapped out of it shaking her head a little. “Oh, no, I'm not ... I'm just trying to understand.“ And she was! She really was! She was actually surprised by how little Judgey Willow was appearing, she was only getting Confused Willow and Concerned Best Friend Willow.

Tara gave her a sympathetic look and ran her hand through Willow’s hair.

“So is she.”

Her mind was still really chugging along trying to figure it all out but Concerned Best Friend Willow was really starting to take charge of things.

“Wow, she probably really needs someone to talk to.”

“Probably. We've been kinda busy, maybe we didn't hear her come home.”

Willow nods uncertainly. Still thoughtful, she wasn’t sure how the heck she would even bring this up with her but she should at least ask how she was doing and maybe try, at minimum, to let Buffy know that she was totally not judging and was here to talk if she needed it. Putting on her Resolve Face she gave Tara a nod and out of bed and hunted down some clothes before venturing into the hall to see if Buffy was in her room.

“Buffy?“ She opened the door and saw signs of recent Buffy activity but no Buffy body and frowned. So she probably had come home but had left already? Where was she?

“ She back yet? “

Willow turned, closing Buffy’s door to see Dawn coming out of her own room. She shook her head.

“Uh, not yet. I think she was here but I think she left again? I'm sure she'll be home soon. Everything's fine, just go back to bed.”

Dawn gave the older woman her very patented full body eye roll.

“It's ten o'clock. And I know she went out, I bumped into her on the way to the bathroom earlier, she said she was going to the Magic Box to tell Anya about the cameras.”

Willow was surprised, it hadn’t occurred to her Buffy would actually go through with it, or at least that she’d do it so early this morning. “Oh. Uh... I offered to do that for her last night… I mean she said she’d do it but I didn’t think she’d… at least not that fast.”

Dawn came closer, her voice a little lower and her eyes shining with concern.

“You don't think she's ... gonna hurt Spike, do you?”

That threw her for a loop. “She told you about Spike? “

Dawn shrugged. “It was kinda obvious after last night.”

“Yeah, I totally knew. “ She was proud that she actually kind of sounded like that wasn’t totally covering for that fact she literally _just_ put it together about 2 minutes ago. Good recovery Rosenberg.

“It must have hurt so much. To see him and— and— and— Anya like that? And that wish? I mean it wasn’t as bad as it could have been but poor Buffy. And poor Xander. Everything is so screwed up.”

“It's gonna be all right. It's just ... complicated. You know, when, when people have such strong feelings for each other, sometimes-“

Willow tried to put on her best comforting face and reassure the teen as best as she could but they were both ended up distracted by Tara shuffling out of the master bedroom wrapped in a blanket.

“Is she back yet?“

Tara and Dawn stared wide eyed at each other for a beat.

“Oh. Hey.” Tara smiled a little awkwardly

“Oh! You and- “ Dawn’s expression getting more maniacally excited as her voice became shriller and gestures wild.

Tara smiled indulgently. “That's my cue to put some clothes on.”

“ No! No no no! I'm totally not here! You guys, you do whatever you want. Um ... I'll go watch TV. Downstairs, really loud! In the basement. Where I can't hear anything. Oh my god!” Dawn squealed excitedly, before flying down the hall to the stairs. Almost immediately her head poked back into the hallway. “I love you guys!”

The two women grinned at each other and despite the teenager’s insistence Tara went and got dressed and the two came downstairs hand in hand to start their day. Hopefully by the time they’d had breakfast Buffy would be back and they could have a best friend chat.

* * *

Willow’s optimism had not been unfounded and by the time she and Tara were cleaning up and Dawn had gone back up to her room, Buffy was coming back in. After dropping her bag and keys in the living room Buffy followed the sounds of activity and poked her head into the kitchen.

“Hey guys.” She blinked in surprised. “Hey Tara, good to see you.”

She smiled and the two women looked at each other then smiled back.

“Hey Buffy.”

It was nice to see them together again and happy, they all needed some more happy in their lives at this point. She officially joined them in their kitchen hangout, resting her elbows on the island.

“So whatcha two up to?”

“Oh we’re just cleaning up after breakfast. We, uh, had a bit of a late start.” Willow smiled devilishly glancing from Tara who was smiling as she did the dishes to Buffy who felt her own expression turn a bit devilish too in response.

“Oo, very fun.”

“Very very.”

Willow decided to just go for it and not risk losing her nerve while she tried to bring it up naturally.

“Hey Buffy, I just wanted to let you know, um, if you ever want to talk about what happened last night, and Spike and um, you and Spike, I’m here for you. No judging, no commentary, just supportive best friend. No pressure or anything just— just yeah.” She smiled anxiously, studying Buffy’s face.

Buffy good vibes train slowed way the hell down at that and she kinda fell into slow motion as her brain started crunching the numbers on how the heck they’d gotten here. The panic at her relationship with Spike being discovered came up fast but thankfully died just as quickly.

Technically she’d already ended it weeks ago and after last night well, if Dawn had put it together already and Willow and Tara were together again, if Willow _hadn’t_ known it would’ve been more shocking. And she really was being sincere, nothing about her said she was trying to look past yuckiness to do her friend duties, she just wanted to be there for her.

Finally Buffy sighed, letting her head fall before dragging it back up again to rest heavily on her shoulders her eyes taking in the ceiling. Talking about things sucked but she knew she had to, she was _trying_ to be better about things, not be Isolationist Buffy and she knew these two were her best choices for it. She sat down slowly on the stool next to her and braced herself.

“Thanks Will, I just don’t know what there is to talk about on it anymore… I ended it with him before the wedding and now that wish has pretty much put the cap on it.” She took a shuddering breath and exhaled before she continued. “When we were together it— it was bad. I was using him, I knew he had feelings for me and wanted me and being with him made me feel _something_ so I used that. But I also hated myself for it and just, in general, and I took it out on him. Both that I was with him at all and that I was even alive. I kept hurting him and he kept coming back. And sometimes he’d do or say something that’d make me feel worse, just like _keeping_ me in this cycle with him. And just— yeah— it was bad so I ended it and I guess accusing him of bugging my house was the last straw and he went to Anya.”

“ Oh Buffy.” Willow breathed, her wide eyes a little shiny as she came and leaning across the counter to put her hand on Buffy’s.

Buffy smiled weakly. “Hey, it’s over now. No worries. I’m— I’m just kinda mixed up about it all now that it’s like, super officially over, I guess? I don’t even know why but I just am, like _this_ changed it more than my ending it did.”

Willow nodded, eyes full of compassion and that big beautiful brain already working on it. Maybe if she worded real good and gave Willow all the data she could crunch the numbers Buffy seemed to not be able to and explain it all to her. Behind her Tara had finished up and was already getting the hot water going for some tea or cocoa. Yeah this is was a hot cocoa kinda conversation.

“ I get that Buffy, really. He was all intense about trying to win you over for like, 2 years — yucky robot duplicate making levels of intensity— and now suddenly poof! All that’s gone! I think we all got used to the idea that he’d always kinda be there in the background pining after you and how that he’s not it’s like going down the stairs and the next steps not where you thought’d it be. I was surprised by, well, pretty much all of it honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as nice and comforty as he was with Anya and I never thought he’d wish to not be in love with well, anyone, I mean when Drusilla dumped him he wanted to get her back not forget about her.”

“ He’s nicer with Dawn, he kinda spoils her honestly and he’s sort of nice to me sometimes. “ Tara interjected as she pulled mugs out of the cupboard.

Willow hummed. “ Yeah and he liked Buffy’s mom too, he was pretty nice to her. But it’s still really rare, especially _that_ nice. It really throw me for a loop.”

“I had seen it before…” Buffy confessed, looking down at Willow’s hand on her’s, unable to meet her eye while she admitted noticing Spike Things. “ when I— when I first came back there was a lot of that kinda thing, and just— just this look in his eye that was all soft and gooey. It was all kinda there too before but it was big after. It kinda died out as I um— as we went on. Not that it wasn’t there anymore but just… I-I wouldn’t let him be nice to me. I didn’t want him to be nice because— “

She doesn’t even know how to put it in words. The awful tar-like feeling of self-loathing and disgust and just everything bad and wrong with her. Was there even a word for it? She hoped between her voice and expression they got the memo. Tara had seen her meltdown months ago, she probably understood. Willow made a pained noise in the back of her throat and let go of her hand, leaving Buffy feeling worried and exposed, until she zoomed around the island and onto the stool next to her, pulling her into a tight embrace. Buffy felt the sudden knot that had started to form unravel and she held onto the arm across her chest, giving her a squeeze of thanks.

“ I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you through all this. You were all messed up and hurting because of something I did and I wasn’t there to help you out.”

Buffy shook her head a little and flashed her a weak smile.

“Thanks Will, but I don’t think I could’ve handled it at the time and you were in the middle of your own mess too. Everything was all tied up in the revival thing, and it hurt to be with you guys, honestly it still kinda does sometimes. But Spike wasn’t involved in all that and I didn’t really care too much about his opinion and he was— _safe_ …”

Buffy startled herself with the last bit and she stared at the counter in stunned confusion. When had Spike become _safe_? It wasn’t when he got the chip that was for sure. Maybe when Glory tortured him? That was the best she could come up with that made sense. It was certainly a turning point in how she thought of him, that was for sure.

Willow rubbed her back but pulled away enough to see her face, her expression soft but confused.

“Safe? Safe how?” Her tone questioning but not unkind. Buffy could feel the dams and walls slowly relaxing as they went. _She really does just want to get me_.

“I’m- I’m not really sure? I guess because I knew he loved me and how far he’d go to like, keep Dawn safe and I could take him if I really needed to. And he’s a vampire and soulless and evil, admitting dark things to him wouldn’t make him think less of me…”

Tara couldn’t help but pipe in again as she placed mugs in front of them.

“Buffy, you were — _are_ — going through a big, hard, painful time. None of us would ever hate you because you were in a bad place or having dark thoughts.”

Willow nodded in enthusiast agreement. “Yes! That! Okay, real talk, total honesty— I’ll admit maybe talking to me at the start while I was all addict-y might not have been for the best, I probably would’ve tried to ‘help’ and just made things even worse than my other attempt at ‘helping’ did. But me? Head-Back-On Willow? Completely here with both the good intentions and helping in whatever way I can that you’re okay with, even if it’s just listening. I can sympathize with not liking yourself and your choices but turning around to keep being destructo girl anyway.”

Buffy smiled at Willow then Tara, watery eyed.

“Thanks you guys. Really, and it’s same the other way too, I know I’ve been distant and hard to be around but if you need someone I’m here for you too, really.”

Suddenly feeling bashful in the face of all the earnest emotion she took a sip of her hot cocoa looking back down at the counter. Her mind turning back to the topic that brought all this around in the first place and the thoughts she’d been too scared to really examine as they laid there half-formed since last night, along with the sneaking suspicion that they’d actually been hanging around _fully_ formed but just shoved in the closets and cracks of her mind because if she’d acknowledged them it would throw everything she thought she knew out the window. Deciding to be brave she screwed up her courage to share those as well, if she just let them sit there any longer all half baked and terrifying nothing good would probably come from it. The other women likely wouldn’t be able to come up with all the answers either but at least they could all be confused together and her anxieties wouldn’t spiral.

Attempting to keep her tone casual she studied her cocoa with a totally normal amount of interest as she went for her opening attack. “I think, the part that’s gotten me the most shaken about it is that the wish actually _worked_? Or well, I’m guessing it did— I haven’t seen Spike yet and he didn’t get on Anya’s case last night when nothing happened— which I figure he would have—if it hadn’t worked. You know? Not that he said it, they _were_ being all commiseratey, but that when she saw her shot and took it that it actually _worked_ on him.”

“Because he doesn’t have a soul?” Willow supplied, thoughtful.

“Yeah.” Buffy let out a shaky breath and hazarded a look at her audience. Willow was doing the math looking at her but not _really_ as she did, Tara was more focused, following her thinking intently, brow furrowed a bit but still very open in her vibes, not judgy.

“I spent forever denying that he was in love with me, that he could love _at all_. I’d chalk it up to obsession and weird twisted stuff because evil vampire, or like, that sure it was real but like, _vampire real_ so not real to me. Like he was dog years and I was people years, sure dog years are real for dogs but they’re not what we use for calendars. I called him soulless and evil and all these awful things and, _yeah_ , he is soulless but I wasn’t just saying it like _a fact_ , it was a reason I could be awful to him and act like it didn’t really matter. That what he felt wasn’t real because he wasn’t a real person— I mean I called him a _‘thing_ ’ and everything!”

She laughed a short incredulous, disgusted laugh and plowed on now that she was going she **_had_** to get it all out, like talking was expelling all the toxic sludge out of her.

“But when he made the wish he explicitly said ‘love’, that he wanted them to stop _loving_ the people who hurt them. If it _was_ fake, or some obsession or something that’s not _lov_ e-love wouldn’t the wish not have worked? Which means then that he _did_ love-love me, which means he _could_ love even though he’s soulless. Which sort of throws everything I thought I knew about vampires and souls out the window— maybe not completely, but at least when it comes to guys like Spike and maybe even Angel. I didn’t like how I treated him — how we treated _each other_ — before because of what it said about me as a person, that I’d do that or let someone do that to me. But if I add to that that his feelings for me were _real_ , that _all_ his feelings and things were real, that he’s a person— maybe not a _person_ -person like a human but not just a _thing,_ then what I did was even worse then I’d— then I’d let myself think. I can’t stomach the idea that I’m the kind of person that would do all that to someone who was genuinely in love with me, who _let me_ be awful to them because they loved me and were that desperate for my attention. But at the same time he’s a soulless vampire! Emphasis on the lack of soul! And the evil! I didn’t think it was even _possible_ to have real feelings without one but he is chock full of them! So then what’s a soul even do?! Is this just a weird Spike Thing, like a cosmic fluke?! Or can all vampires in theory do things like, love for real if they want to?!”

She looked between them bewildered. Her head spinning from trying to keep up with her own thoughts. She felt like she just finished a word marathon. Willow had starting nodding along while she’d talked her expression very ‘I get you and I too am thinking very hard about this but am also totally in the dark’ while Tara seemed to be trying to interrogate the wall behind them for answers with a very intense squinty glare.

“I think…” Tara started after a long moment. “That stuff like ‘what does a soul do?’ is something we’re probably never going to be able to really understand. It’s kind of a big one you know? Look at another example, Anya was a demon, then a human, then a demon again. Did she not have a soul then magically gain one when she lost her powers only to lose it again? I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem like she’s really changed in some noticeable way if that’s the case. Maybe she’s had a soul the whole time, which means some demons _do_ have souls naturally, like humans, and it’s maybe just a little different for them. I mean she’s done some really awful stuff in the past but I don’t think she’s gonna get in trouble for that — on a cosmic scale at least, like going to hell — because that was her job, she was _supposed_ to do that. Holding her to the same moral code we would a normal person just doesn’t make sense. It’d kinda be like getting mad at you for blowing up the high school, like yes you did destroy a whole building which is a crime, but you did it to kill a demon mayor. It doesn’t make sense to hold you to normal human law most of the time because what you do rarely falls in the same timezone as normal human anything.”

Willow had stopped nodded slowly and joined in on the squinty glare of deep thought, though she was looking at the fridge.

“I think… Tara has a good point…” She started off slow, like she was examining how her thoughts felt on her tongue before she said them. “ I get your struggle on this Buffy, I really do. I’ve also been really hung up on the soul thing too, I think all of us who were around for the Angel-Angelus thing have really been big on how important a soul is, and sure, I bet it really _is_ a big deal. I think we can all agree on that much at least. If one of us just suddenly got ours taken away I think we’d be in big trouble. But what it does exactly, how much of a person it makes up, how important it is when you start talking about beings who aren’t human? Well, I’m not sure about any of that. Maybe somewhere out there there’s some book or guru or whatever who knows exactly and could explain it all easy peasy but I think you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to find out. Tara brought up Anya as another case study and I think that’s the way to go, take the whole soul thing on a case-by-case basis when it comes to demons and stuff. So far what we’ve learned from this is that vampires — or at least Spike— _can_ feel love and that means all his feelings are probably real in a way that we can understand. He doesn’t need one to feel like that, fine. For Angel a soul _is_ a big deal, he needs his— fine. They’re different people so let’s just look at it like that. And maybe— and I _cannot_ believe I’m suggesting this— maybe we should try and be a little more open minded to the non-souled and spooky citizens of our town, try to understand them better.”

Willow nodded as she finished, her expression a little mystified that **_that_** was where she’d ended up but rather proud of herself as well for getting there. One small step for Willow, one large step for Scoobykind.

It was Buffy’s turn to squint aggressively at something in the kitchen as she thought— she picked the cabinet next to the sink— as she mulled over what they’d said.

With a big breath out she sat back on her stool. “I think you guys are right, if I focus too much on trying to solve a big mystery of the universe I’m gonna go nuts and if I worry too much about how that big mystery relates to demons and my job I’m gonna go nuts _and_ get eaten. I’m gonna take it on a case by case basis, no spending time thinking about it on the abstract level, I’m just gonna focus on the demons I know and gauge how sincere they are about stuff like I would with anyone.“

With that some of the intensity of the conversation seemed to lift and they continued on in a lighter, more casual air. Tara came up to the island and leaned against it, her mug cupped between her hands. Willow shifted on her stool giving Buffy more space now that the worst was over.

“ So how was Anya? Did you find the camera?” Tara asked. “Did you tell her about the accidental snooping?”

“Yup and yup.” Buffy replied, popping the ‘p’s. “She’s good though. She wasn’t, you know, thrilled that her private chat with Spike wasn’t so private but She didn’t try and curse me or anything. She was more annoyed that it all came out in a not so ideal way and that she’d been bugged to begin with. Oh! Interesting note about the _‘no more love’_ wish, it didn’t undo all her feelings for Xander, like it didn’t make their relationship go poof it just turned all the love into past tense. She still cares that he’s hurting, since she remembers that she loved him and why she did but it’s all friendy and platonic now.”

“Oh well that’s good! At least you know that after the dust settles, even if you don’t want to—“ Tara changed her tack quickly “You won’t have to worry about Spike going back all the way to trying to kill you again.”

“Yeah I guess.” She pouted in thought, pointedly ignoring what Tara was _going_ to say and sticking to what she _did_. “I’m not sure if it’s exactly the same for Spike though, it always seemed to me he went from ‘argh, I’m going to kill you!’ to ‘argh, I’m gonna make out with you!’ basically over night and he’s always been kinda weird on the whole romance and violence thing. “

“ Maybe you should talk to him, see how things have changed, if they’ve changed at all, and if it’s like Anya said for him too.” Willow suggested.

Buffy snorted. “Yeah sure, what would I even say to get that ball rolling? ‘Hey Spike, just checking— are you still in love with me?’ It’s not like we have a reason to be around each other now outside of sometimes fighting demons together. And, he’s staying with Anya! I can’t just barge into her place and ask things like I used to, I don’t even know where she lives anymore! I don’t even know if he’d want to talk to me at all, especially about all this.“

Willow’s eyebrows shot up. “Spike’s living with Anya?! Are they, you know, all smoochy now?! That’s fast!”

Buffy shook her head, batting that idea out of the air.

“Nah, apparently Anya’s letting him stay with her because he mentioned how I blew up his crypt over dinner and she wanted to help him out since he’d helped her. Demon pal solidarity I guess. “ Buffy grinned. “She’s making him _pay rent_.”

Willow snickered. “ _Spike paying rent._ ”

Buffy giggled with her. “ _I know right?_ ”

“I think it’s a good idea to talk to Spike. Just tell him what you’ve told us, that you’re in a place where your taking ownership of your issues and trying to work through them and that you heard last night made you reconsider things you thought about him and how you’d treated him in the past and you just want talk and try to understand things better.” Tara said, her mouth curved gently upward in a tiny encouraging smile.

Buffy’s eyes widened with terror, she shook her head vigorously. “Oh I dunno about that. I think if I tried to say half of that to him _to his face_ I might actually explode from the awkward alone.”

Willow put a hand on her forearm rest it laid on the island. “We can ask Anya to help set it up and get a feel for how murderous Spike is. And hey, do you want me to come with you? Be your Emotional Support Willow?”

Buffy nodded frantically. “Yeah, I don’t know if I should do this with an audience but I don’t think I can even get through the door without some support.”

“ Don’t worry, I’ve got your back. Emotional Support Willow to the rescue, I’ll wear my fuzziest sweater and hold your hand the whole time.”

Buffy smiled. “You’re the best.”

“Yeah, I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always feedback is much appreciated!!! Promise try and get the next one out quicker but hey we'll see rip. 
> 
> Also just a heads up at some point in the future the tags'll get editted/updated as I solidify some point things and it becomes relevant here.


	4. Anyanka's In Charge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know people were probably all excited for this chapter to have the Big Talk between Buffy and Spike but thanks to the Great Restructuring™ these earlier chapters went thru post chapter 2 it's ended up pushed to the next one. I've got to rewrite/add/change some of it anyway thanks to all the shifting about and adding of things in these preceding chapters. It's a bear to write since Buffy is well... Buffy and does that Thing where she's _Buffy_ and Spike's got the emotional consistency of a mood ring on a good day so wish me luck as I give it another round of edits lol

Slayage had forced her to push off the agreed on finances meeting until about two weeks after the Wish, which was a pain since she was _also_ hoping to use that time as a chance to ask about Spike and if he’d agree to talk to her.

She could’ve just called Anya to ask _sure_ , that was a totally legitimate and grown up thing to do but Spike hung around her apartment _and_ the shop Buffy was scared of him overhearing them, why she was scared of that exactly was another question and one she didn’t really have a solid answer to currently.

She considered giving into cowardice and making Willow or Tara do it for her but it didn’t seem fair to Tara, who was just becoming comfortable with everyone again, or even Willow, who was also acting as Xander emotional support through the aftershocks of everything along with her own issues and Buffy’s. It was moot now that Anya was here though, now she just had to be a big girl, ask the question and pray she didn’t mangle her words too bad.

Yup. No biggie.

Buffy was fairly sure that the anxiety she felt now watching Anya pour over her finances at her dining table was the exact same kind she’d have felt if she’d been forced to watch her teacher grade her tests in real time right after taking it. She was pretty sure she knew what her grade would be, a big fat “F” in adulthood, but that did nothing to help her mounting fear at all.

After what felt like an eternity of Anya assessing the damage and muttering she finally shifted into talking to Buffy about everything, asking questions about the bills, house, bank accounts, insurances, her job, benefits— every topic that Buffy could only _barely_ answer without sounding like a complete moron. With every unclear answer, _“ I don’t know”_ or _“I’m not sure what that is”_ Anya became more and more visibly frustrated in that _“I’m tutoring an idiot”_ way and Buffy felt her hackles raise.

“So basically you’re not clear on _anything_ about the finances, insurance, taxes or really _any_ of the stuff required to run a house or family.”

Buffy bristled. “Well it’s not like I had a lot of time to learn about it— You know what with being constantly focused on killing vampires or stopping hellgods or you know— busy being _dead_.”

The last part seemed to hang in the air for a moment, like a loud bang that shuts up the whole room. The women sat staring at each other, Buffy all corded defensive tension and Anya, still and calculating.

Finally Anya sighed, closing her eyes as her annoyance lessened visibly with each moment.

“ You’re right. You didn’t have time to properly learn how to do all this before you got thrown to the wolves to figure it out by yourself at just about the _worst_ possible starting off point. It’s extremely aggravating and awful and I shouldn’t be annoyed with you but with everyone _else_ who got us here. If you’d like to use your wish on Giles for being a bastard and ditching you to do all this yourself I would understand and be happy to do so.”

Buffy de-hackled with some effort. It didn’t exactly help that it took conscious effort at times to remember that offering to curse her loved ones for her was Anya’s way of being nice and not a bad guy threat on their lives.

“Thanks for the suggestion Anya but no, I don’t think I’ll be cursing Giles just yet.” She replied wryly. _Tempting idea though considering everything…_

Anya shrugged. “Whatever, just know I totally will though. I’m happy to curse any of them, even Xander.” She paused, then softer. “Assuming of course it’s not _too_ mean.”

Buffy smiled despite herself, _god this was so deeply weird_.

“Naturally. If I wish anything yucky on any of them it’ll only be of the temporary and mildly annoying. No inside out guts or anything.”

Anya smiled warmly at her. It did fuzzy things to her insides.

That seemed to be a weird new side effect of the Wish that she’d never anticipated like, at all. She’d gotten used to Anya being around since she started dating Xander, warmed up to her to an extent and certainly liked her more than Willow had for a long time. But they’d never been close or anything and she was pretty sure if there was a chart or something the amount of quality time she’d spent with everyone the ex/current demon would be totally at the bottom. She’d hung out with _Spike_ more than she had Anya even before things had gotten all messy and they just plain hated each other.

Now it was weirdly like she was seeing Anya for the first time, like really _seeing_ her, as like her own independent nation or something. And you know what, maybe she _had_ overlooked Anya as just “Xander’s Girlfriend” and left her in that tiny little box for way too long, too caught up in her own head and Slayerness to really delve deeper. It made her cringe to realize it now. Even with only the pretty bite sized pieces of unboxed Anya she was getting now Buffy was realizing she’d kinda missed out. She was starting to get why Xander had dated her at all now. Anya was responsible, sensible but still pretty funny and kinda had like, cool older girl vibes. Or like, sorority girl on her game. Something like that.

Anya returned her attention to the papers on in front of her, both palms firmly hitting the table as her determination to make sense of the Summers household took charge taking Buffy’s attention back with her.

“Okay so, I’m going to compile everything plus my suggestions on things like insurance plans since those have lapsed and put together a budget for you and payment plans. Realistically Buffy, you need a better job.” Her tone was matter of fact. “A fast food job on its own does not pay enough to keep this house running let alone all your other expenses.”

Buffy felt cold. “But it’s all I can get! I can’t—“

Anya held up a hand with such authority that Buffy actually found herself stopping cold. When did Anya start exuding such commanding _“I’m a real adult”_ vibes?

“I know. The college drop out plus slayer thing plus your sketchy record with law enforcement and destruction of public property makes it a real bear to get job. Leave that to me, given a little time I can find you something better paying and much less gross. Until then the rest of us will help chip in and cover the gap.”

Buffy swallowed thickly, panic beginning to set in. “Anya I can’t ask you to do that, I can’t take your money. Really it’s fine. I’ll figure it out. You don’t have to and I-I can job hunt myself really it’s—“

Anya shut her down again. “You’re not asking. I am **_telling_** what I’m going to do whether you like it or not. I have all the information now I need to access your accounts so even if you don’t accept the money I can just put it in myself. You will _take_ our money— Mine and Xander’s and Willow’s and that’s final. We ripped you out of Heaven and made you miserable, the _least_ we can do is help you pay bills and get you a less embarrassing job.”

Anya fixed her with a gaze that to her surprise strongly reminded her of her mother. That older woman telling a younger woman something that brooked no argument look. Like when she _knew_ her mom was right and her mom _knew_ she knew but Buffy was being stubborn. She felt something hard and painful crumble inside her and she slumped in her chair. She’d hadn’t known how much she needed this, this kind of support, like she was being taken complete care of while also being given a chance to learn how to do it herself all at once. It gave her some hope that eventually things might actually be okay.

Buffy gave her a watery smile. “Yeah, yeah okay. Thanks Anya.”

Anya reached over and placed a hand over hers. “It’s going to be okay Buffy, we’ll sort this all out.”

She let out a breath that shuddered through her with a force she hadn’t anticipated and nodded confident that she could not make the words go.

“Fair warning ahead of time, whatever job I find you, it’ll likely be at a demon owned place like my shop. That’s where all my connections and stuff are. Not your first choice I’m sure since you’re so used to being all demon killy but hey, they’ll get needing time off for apocalypses. And not all of us are wrecking havoc you know.”

Buffy tensed again, instinctively wanting to remove her hand from Anya’s as she went cold at the thought of working for a demon. Immediately her brain went to all kinds of worst case scenarios and she was sure if she wasn’t still locked up from emotion she’d say something stupid and throw Anya’s help back at her on pure knee jerk reaction. Anya was giving her a very pointed look that said she knew exactly where Buffy’s head had gone and she felt a wave of shame hit her.

If the mummy hand loop hadn’t happened she might’ve been working for Anya, a demon/ex-demon, already. And hadn’t she been talking a big game with Willow and Tara about being less judgey? More demon friendly? It was one thing to say it all then, over hot cocoa with no one planning to really hold her to it, but now, sitting here like this, Buffy was pretty sure she was verging on becoming an even bigger hypocrite than she’d begun to suspect she was thanks to all the increased introspection. If she responded to the offer with her usual snark it would be the nail in the coffin and she wasn’t ready to go back into even a metaphorical one just yet.

_Bite the bullet Buffy. Put your money where your mouth is and stop being a bitch._

Buffy took a big breath, kicked all her unhelpful bits into a closet and made herself relax before she replied with as much normalcy in her voice as she could muster.

“Hey so long as they don’t eat babies and give me benefits it’s all good with me.”

* * *

Anya ended up at their house for a few hours, long enough for Willow and Tara to get back in, dinner to be discussed, started and eaten. It was a good thing too since with all talk of the numbers, jobs and household managing Buffy had totally spaced on asking about setting up something with Spike. The witchy girlfriends however, had not, and blessedly picked up the slack on that front. Tara had brought it up first, asking if Buffy had remembered to ask and Willow jumped in and what had felt like it was a Monumental Moment™ was hammered out in about 2 minutes like it was just any other brunch plan.

Which it… kinda was…

This… _thing_ that had been towering over her for 2 weeks was done in the same conversation they decided what kind of pasta to make. Anti-climatic much?

Or was it just that Buffy was making more of it all than it really warranted because it was Spike? What was she expecting? Did she even know? Is that why all of this felt so huge and important? Because for all his impulsiveness and erratic behavior before he’d been fairly predictable on at least one front until the Wish? Everything just felt more dire because she couldn’t figure him out anymore?

Did she ever really _know_ him to begin with? When it came to Spike she’d spent as much of her time as she could _not_ learning anything about him or ignoring everything she _did_ learn unless it was actively useful or harmful to her. She’d just decided she _knew_ him at some point because _what_? He was a vampire and he’d harassed her on and off since high school?

The amount of time she’d spent with Spike before the chip could’ve been counted on her fingers but she’d worked off that image of him fueled by her own teeny bopper slayer sense of _“I totally know everything”_ and _God_ — _Angel’s_ opinions of Spike even when she’d finally had time to learn how he ticked first hand. Used _that_ template and rarely allowed any new info that did not support her original conception to be considered fact. And yeah like, she didn’t _have_ to be nice or buddy buddy with him, there was no obligation for any of that suddenly when he got the chip— he was still evil and trying to kill them by his own admission even then, but it still struck her now as _dumb_ of her to have not like, _actually listen to him and stuff_. Learn about him from his own words and rework her understanding of him and like, _adapt_ or whatever.

As a Slayer it just seemed now like an utter waste of an opportunity to really _learn_ about and understand the enemy— vampires in general and Spike specifically, a guy who’d _killed two of her predecessors_ and certainly made her work for her own skin more than once. A vampire old enough to like, _know_ stuff and possibly be useful as like, a case study or whatever while she had him almost totally at her mercy. Sure, she’d asked about how the other Slayers had died but even then she probably hadn’t squeezed as much out of that as she could’ve. By that time she had already been keenly aware in the gaps in her knowledge about all things related to her calling outside “stab things dead, save people” and the whole thing could’ve been a golden opportunity to remedy some of that, or at _least_ make sure she knew how Angel’s extended family ticked in case oh, say, _Drusilla decided to pay a visit again complete with electric cattle prod_. _Ugh_.

On the other hand as a person, as _Buffy_ … well that was more complicated. She’d been right when she said that Spike was like a serial killer behind bars, sure he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore but he was by nature a demon that fed on and tormented humans. It was what he was built for. He was inherently evil, no getting around that.

But if she went with that same analogy, metaphor, whatever— she _also_ had to say that serial killer or not he had like, thoughts and feelings and stuff, something the Wish seemed to confirm even if it felt icky to say something like _“serial killers have feelings”_ because while like, technically true, uh, _they’re serial killers so who cares_. It didn’t matter how he felt about her or if it _was_ love or the vampire version of it because she hadn’t _wanted_ it and had no interest in returning it. It was icky and bad. Vampires were bad so even if they did have feelings, uh, _they eat people so who cares_.

But that whole analogy, metaphor, _whatever_ — _god,_ she really needed to look up what the differences were— wasn’t _quite_ right. It didn’t take into account all the things Spike _had_ done that were helpful and geared towards changing himself, working against his nature to fit into her life— that didn’t really get him any of things he _should_ want as an evil vampire. All the things he’d done that she’d pointedly ignored or discredited or mocked or taken advantage of. How he’d slowly slotted himself into the group and eventually helped without prompting, withstood torture for her and Dawn, fought to protect her sister, cared for Dawn for _months_ even when there were no more brownie points to earn from it just because he’d promised and because he’d cared about Dawn, had loved Buffy. The look on his face when he promised to protect Dawn, the look when she’d come down the stairs after months in the grave, how gentle he had been, caring for her hands, easing her back into a harsh and horrible imperfect world. The way he could be when they were together, the way she wouldn’t _let_ him be, soft and tender with this light in his eyes, looking at her with such — _Love_.

_"But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that ... Every night I save you.”_

Yeah, okay, she had screwed up. Big time. There was still a _lot_ about this whole thing that confused her but she could at least admit to herself that while Spike was still evil by nature and that _absolutely_ cropped up in all kinds of ways, there was parts of him, maybe even a whole side, that was not very evil at all and had very obviously cared a _lot_ about the Summers women and stopping world endage at minimum. And that she had not handled his caring about them very well. She wasn’t sure how she _should_ have handled it but she was at least pretty sure she could’ve _tried_ to encourage the Spike who’d spend the summer as her sister’s BFF and not the Spike who’d gotten tangled up in a weird, icky, unhealthy sex affair with her that left them both worse off every time they met. Though again, no idea how she would’ve _done_ any of that or if it would’ve changed a thing. But it was _something_?

Honestly she had no clue where she was going with any of this except that clearly it hadn’t been as black and white as she’d convinced herself it was. It was a whole damn mess and she was just gonna shut up, not think about it anymore and stuff her face with bolognese. This was a much more solid plan, one that did not involve her head exploding from her brain finally deciding to do the years of thinking and garbled attempts at psychoanalysis or whatever it had been putting off all in like, the span of a month.

She returned her attention to dinner and the conversation around the table feeling like she’d just blacked out and had this huge mammoth internal monologue and was now totally out of sorts with what the heck was going on in the real world.

Which, to be fair, was um, kind of exactly what had happened. Whoops. Apparently she was only capable of introspective thought at inopportune moments or not at all which was totally unfair. One of the perks of having Tara back in their home life was the food. Very much with the yum. She dug back into her pasta with gusto, taking the opportunity while chewing to get back on track with the conversation.

Tara was taking the lead in chatting with Anya, largely about the shop and life and adapting back to being single, with Willow piping in frequently in her nervousy try-hard way that Buffy hadn’t seen crop up this intensely in years and Dawn butting in to be well, _Dawn_. It was all generally pretty nice non-awkward conversation, the only real tension coming from the pre-existing stuff between Willow and Anya and the fact that they hadn’t really… spent a lot of time with Anya… Like alone, without Xander, and like… talked about Stuff. Normal non-scooby stuff…

Again, Buffy had the grace to feel embarrassed about that, it was majorly uncool of them now that she was being all hindsight girl, it also occurred to her now that she was kind of in the same boat with Tara, dang. She really had not been super with the getting to know the new additions thing. Buffy consoled herself that that one at least would be fairly easy to fix now since Tara was coming over more, possibly even gearing up to move in again.

“ … I’d really only got cable out of habit since Xander liked it a lot and the phone-cable bundle was such a good price but I didn’t think I’d watch much TV — I dunno never really caught my interest before, you know? Radio didn’t really either, just get a minstrel! Learn an instrument!— But I guess it finally rubbed off on me thanks to Xander and now that Spike’s there I’m _absolutely_ getting my money’s worth, he’s addicted I swear. He’s making it his new life’s goal or whatever to ‘bring me up to speed’. He’s ridiculous! I’m a thousand years old, I know human stuff! I have to you know! For my vengeance job! How am I going to get people to wish stuff if I seem like an out of time amish women?! Just because I haven’t watched every season of _Friends_ doesn’t mean I’m a cultural neophyte, I saw _A Trip to the Moon_ in theaters!”

“You saw _A Trip to the Moon_ in theaters?” Tara said, surprised and clearly delighted at the idea.

“I dunno, you had no idea how to play any of the board games you guys brought and they were all pretty classic.” Dawn snarked, a little smug smile in place before she stuffed her big mouth with more spaghetti. “Plus I think there’s plenty of people who would argue that having not seen all of _Friends_ would qualify you for being considered a cave person.”

Anya humphed and turned away from the teen menace haughtily. “Yes Tara, I did. Hallie and the girls dragged me out to see it and for the record it was very good. I was pleasantly surprised.”

“Honestly I’m just more surprised that Spike watches _Friends_ at all, it just doesn’t seem like his kind of show you know? But then again isn’t he all into soap operas? Maybe he really is a sitcom kinda guy at heart.” Willow mused, swirling noodles around her fork.

“I think anything that’s way with the interpersonal drama is Spike’s kinda show. I think he also watches Dawson’s Creek, I remember him muttering something about Pacey once.” Buffy supplied, glad to have something to contribute to the conversation and get back into it. She had no idea how long she’d zoned out there, hopefully not as long as it’d felt.

The witches looked at each other and broke into giggles while Dawn gave her a look at clearly said Spike was in for some long discussions about the series. She’d feel sorry for him getting a full blast of High Octane Dawnage but honestly he’d probably be thrilled at getting to hog all her attention for a bit so she had no sympathy for him.

Anya waved the hand not holding her wine. “Oh Spike’s just a people person, he loves all that social-y crap. I’ve never really gotten that type but I guess I’m just very work oriented. Hallie’s always saying I should ‘take a vacation’ or ‘got out more’. _‘Get a life!’_ but I _like_ working, it’s rewarding and so much less messy than engaging in human interaction.”

Okay **_that_** , was a sentiment the Buffy got deeply. People Hard, Staking Easy.

“How is the vengeance business going Anya?” Willow asked in the same tone people asked stuff at like, every grown up dinner party she’d been forced to go to as a kid.

Anya give her a blaring smile but to Buffy it seemed a bit… off. “Oh just great! It’s like riding a bicycle! I’ll be employee of the century again in no time!”

“Oh, well that’s good I guess! Uh, I’m glad to hear running the shop and wrecking vengeance isn’t wearing you out that’s like doing two full time jobs right?”

Anya sighed. “It can be a bit tough since it’s only me at the shop most of the time. When I go on business trips to get in wishes I usually have to close down the whole thing if I’m not making use of timezones but it’s early days, I’m still working out my schedule so it’s bound to be a bit messy.”

“Well um, what if I, um… helped sometimes..? You know, did shop things, I figure I owe you since well, you know… the stealing…”

Anya looked over at Dawn genuinely touched, her face falling into a truly lovely heartfelt smile. Buffy felt her chest swell up with pride for her sister. She was being so incredibly _good_ all on her own without nagging.

“ Thank you Dawn, that’d be really nice.”

“Yeah that’s really mature of you Dawnie.” Willow beamed at her, clearly also riding the _“Hooray for Dawn making amends all on her own”_ train like Buffy was.

Remembering the birthday fiasco and her vow to herself to be a better Buffy she leaned a little to Dawn.

“Proud of you.”

It came out softer than she’d meant but the look she’d got in return was the most wonderful thing in the entire world.

* * *

Before she left Anya made sure to inform Willow of the Buffy Relief Fund much to Buffy’s mortification. She’d kinda hoped that would all happen you know… not right in front of her.

“As it stands Buffy can’t pay off everything on her own salary so once I get the numbers finalized you, me and Xander are going to split the rest what she needs for bills between us until I can get her something better paying.”

It was a classic Anyaism, just rocket launched out there all _“sky is blue”_ fact like, totally unprompted and leaving everyone but her kind of embarrassed.

Willow blinked in surprise but when it clicked she nodded empathetically, concerned face darting between Anya and Buffy.

“Yeah sure! I’d thought— I didn’t know— Of course I wanna help yeah no problem just uh, let me know how much and I’ll do it a hundred percent.”

“Willow—“ Buffy began but her bestie cut her off.

“Nope, Buffy I’m gonna help you out with the bills and stuff. I mean I’ve been living here and everything so it’s only fair right? You can’t stop me, Resolve Face.”

And shit, yup there it was. She was unstoppable now.

Willow turned her attention back to Anya, expression becoming less sure. “ Do you want me to you know… tell Xander about all this or do you want to, you know…”

Anya suddenly looked much more tired and her smile faltered.

“No it’s fine Willow, I’ll tell him myself once I’ve got everything figured out. I should talk to him soon anyway, things have just been a kind of hectic and well…”

“Yeah. Yeah…”

They all lapsed into silence, Willow and Anya both seeming to have fallen into quiet Xander-centric thought.

“Um, can I chip in too? I can’t really contribute much but I’d like help out…” Tara spoke up, addressing primarily Anya though she shared a smile with Willow.

Anya’s smile gained some life back. “Yeah sure, the more the merrier then I don’t have to give as much of my own money.”

Buffy started up. “Oh Tara you don’t have to—“

“No, No, I want to. I want to help out Buffy really, you’ve been really good to me so it’s nice to be able to do something for you, you know? I don’t really know how much I can give money wise but maybe I can help around the house, you know, food and cleaning and oh! I can help Dawn with her homework and stuff when you’re slaying.”

Dawn looked _thrilled_ at that concept and the two of them shared big smiles as Anya mulled it over. Buffy once again feeling like she was being bullied in the nicest way imaginable. It was becoming a team sport apparently.

“Yeah that’s good too, it won’t directly contribute to the budget but it’ll save on eating out plus a dedicated babysitter will make it easier to make the new job work when we get there…”

Dawn crossed her arms glaring daggers at Anya. “I do _not_ need a babysitter.”

Anya smiled at her indulgently. “Of course.”

Buffy was starting to get choked up, this rousing wave of support was already pushing her back up to the surface, rescuing her when she felt like she’d been drowning for ages. She’d seen how Anya could whip things into shape, marshal the troops and get things into gear like no other with the shop and her wedding but having the brunt force of that wrecking ball directed at her desperate struggle at navigating mundane life was— okay there wasn’t a word for it (that she knew at least) but it was a lot and good and kinda uplifting.

In like, no time, Anya was well on her way to making more progress than Buffy had made in _months_. She couldn’t even feel discouraged or shame-faced over it, maybe that was just because of the shock but it also just felt like— like this was Anya’s court. Buffy was the Slayer, she did the Slaying stuff, that was her field of expertise. But Anya seemed to be the Queen of management, bureaucracy wrangling and making-shit-happen. Like one of those awful women who asked to see the manager only with the endless tenacity of an a thousand year old killer demon and not evil incarnate.

* * *

Palling around with Anyanka was not something he’d ever anticipated he’d really do, especially not when he’d walked into her shop two weeks ago looking for a spell, but it was turning out to be something he _absolutely_ should’ve been doing already. Anyanka was a real spitfire, a straight shooter and an absolute laugh. The fact that _him_ hanging out the whelp’s lady— ex-lady now to his malicious delight— would’ve had the lad ripping his hair out was just icing on the cake that was being in her company.

It was fun being her guide into the Sunnyhell demon community, she hadn’t gotten in contact with many of the locals when she got stuck here, at first too ashamed to show her face now that she was human and later because of the constant choir of anti-demon bollocking from her ex and his pals. He could see why, would make a dinner party awkward if you brought over a couple of bohg'dars and your man kicked it from the strain of trying to not be a complete dickhead. Easier to let it lie than kick up dust in the happy home every time you went out with the girls for a demon’s night.

She got on well with his mates like Clem, and unlike Clem, could be relied upon to back him up if he started a fight even if she wasn’t as thrilled about it he was. Spike had not been really aware before just how _strong_ the bird was all scary-ed up. She still looked like the tasty slip of a human she’d been after all even if the smell and aura was different, the difference between knowing and _knowing_ and all that.

He’d known she’d be durable as fuck since the Bit’s party from hell and Cec— _Halfrek’s_ regretful lack of being fucking dead impaled on a sword, but he’d had _no clue_ how strong vengeance bints were until she threw a fyarl demon clear across the bar after he’d gotten into it again with Ghrislogg about club teams and finally got around to bashing his brains in on the bar top causing all to hell break loose.

That had be a real laugh, one of the best nights he’d had in ages.

He also wouldn’t deny that he’d already begun feeling very protective of her, a feeling that was becoming more violent as he got a clearer and clearer picture of just how _lost_ Anyanka actually was. They traded a bit about themselves one night over drinks in her little apartment, a little get to know the roommate thing. Naturally it got a bit _revealing_.

He didn’t know why or how it had happened other than well— _drink_ obviously, and that he still hadn’t forgotten how she’d been the night of the Wish before he’d said the words, how _they’d_ been together. _Open, vulnerable, feeling— **together**_. He’d been alone for ages now, even with Buffy he’d been cruelly, painfully _alone_ — probably more so with her, really— since she made it so clear she didn’t want him, not really, not all of him— just what he could give her to take her mind of the world for a bit.

He was man enough (or nancy enough he didn’t care at this point) to admit he was craving that kind of simple touch with a violent _need_ that could only be likened to addiction or starvation. A bone deep _need_ to be caressed, to be held— to hold and nuzzle and breathe in the delicate scent of one who _cared_ as he held them fast to him. So he’d fucked up a bit and opened his huge gob and admitted to being an absolute fucking blubbery twit because he was desperately lonely and wanted more of those looks, those touches. He had gotten them at least, so there was that. _God_ her hands were soft—

And he’d felt _such_ a stab of sympathy for her it burned like fire, they’d both become demons because of heartbreak, from lashing out because it or to be saved from it’s crush. Couldn’t help but wonder what life would’ve been like if fool William had met a different demon that night, even if the things he imagined happening were too embarrassing to be considered when not severely drunk and wallowing. _But still_ , his traitor mind whispers, _Anyanka spent a thousand years getting justice for women who’d deserved better, who’d been abused and broken hearted but, her first wish back and it’s for_ me. he’s no fool, it was as much for her too— but it was _his_ words, _his_ wish, and she did it kindly, didn’t give him the monkey’s paw treatment even when she could’ve, _should have_. She gave him back his heart in better shape than when he’d lost it. Changed her own rules just for him.

It was a thought that made him feel well, _special_. If only for a moment or in a small way, he was _special_ somehow.

God he was _fucking pathetic_. He sincerely hoped that she’d been too drunk to remember anything about what he’d admitted to, if she did he’d dust. Too ruddy embarrassing.

He hadn’t failed to notice that she didn’t seem to really have many true, close friends either even after a thousand years, that she struggled to define herself outside her job, her formers and her shop, didn’t seem to know how. It wouldn’t do. Not for someone with so much fire in her. So he made it his job to push her to do so, to broaden her horizons a bit.

He took her to his usual poker game and once she’d learned the rules he’d realized how much of an _absolute fucking mistake_ that was because she was a _fucking menace_. When they’d left, both of them up to their necks in her feline winnings and he’d had to practically _beg_ her into making a deal with him to do a bit of under the table shit between them at future games just so she wouldn’t beggar him. It’d been fun though, even with all the terror about being penniless, she practically exploded with glee each round she won. He’d _especially_ enjoyed the little dance she’d done after scoring a particularly big pot. She was a tight little slip of a thing and he was, after all, a _very_ bad man.

He’d taken personal offense to the fact that she’d apparently never thought to get too much into media in the last century and had the barest knowledge of pop culture he’d ever seen from a demon that had fairly frequent contact with humans. She was as bad as those old school culty vamps that all lived in sewers and wanked in a circle over St. Whosists’s shitty ashes and didn’t know what the fuck a radio was. Which was how he’d ended up going to the video rental place few blocks away and picked up a pretty wide selection last night which he was looking over again now, debating which ones to suggest tonight when she got back from solving Buffy’s financial crisis. Romance and horror seemed to be the best fit, equally bloody hilarious, or the action one where the chit stabs a guy in the dick— he was pretty sure it happened in that one.

He heard keys and the door getting shoved open and turned to get a better view of her from his spot on the couch leaning over the cluttered coffee table.

“ Lo, pet. Good day at the office?”

Anya shrugged as she dropped her keys in the bowl on the entryway table and dumped her bags under it. “ Yeah it was okay, the shop was kinda slow but it worked out, gave me some time to get 2 wishes in, nothing ground breaking but hey they can’t all be winners.”

She kicked off her heels and walked into the main space of the flat.

“And Buffy’s finances? Hoo boy— what a mess.”

He raised a concerned brow. “Yeah? She gonna be alright?”

Anya plunked down on the couch next to him quickly taking up as much room as her little body could. He couldn’t stop his smile. _Obnoxious little chit_.

Anya shrugged. “ Yeah she should be fine if I can get a reasonable budget and work out how me, Willow and Xander are going to make up the difference until I can convince someone who actually pays a living wage to hire the Slayer.”

He snorted at that bit, her expression telling him she too was aware of _that_ uphill battle. He had faith in her though, she was like a dog with a bone when she wanted something. Spike relaxed back into the couch, a weight coming off his shoulders he’d been carrying for months finally gone. Buffy and the Bit would be okay, it’d be a little rocky for a bit but Anya would see them through it.

“Oh and Dawn offered to help out at the shop, like community service for the stealing.”

“Oh yeah? Bit’s gonna work that off with you?”

“Yup. I’d mentioned things were a bit hectic between running the shop and wish granting and she just offered to help, just like that.”

He grinned brightly. “That’s my bit. Proud of her.”

Anya returned it, smiling like light through trees on an autumn day, all cozy and amber hued. Harris was the stupidest fucking man alive.

“Yeah, those monks sure did a a good job at making a pretty okay child.”

He laughed and turned his attention back to the movies, spirits soaring. He plucked up the action one.

“Okay pet, let’s celebrate a bit.”

She shifted so she could shove at him with her dainty little manicured feet. “Oo! Make me snacks!”

He growled, snapped his jaws at her playfully. “Oi! Not your servant you bossy chit! ‘Member you’re a demon now so you’re on ole Spike’s bite list again.”

Anya snorted and dug her heels harder into his thigh, _fuck_ she was strong. The pain was going straight to his cock— _well,_ not _exactly_ part of the plan. For tonight at least. The future? Total toss up.

“Oh please, you couldn’t take me on a good day. And I’m the landlady here! Bribe me you free loader!”

He made a grand show of grumbling as he got up and began to make his way to the kitchen. Frankly glad to have a moment to get his nethers back under control.

“Alright, alright. Evil little bitch. I’ll make you some damn snacks.”

Anyanka looking thoroughly smug with herself proceeded to stretch out and hog the whole damn couch, flipping to her stomach to watch him in the kitchen. He continued his put upon act as he bounced around the kitchenette making popcorn, banging out a spread of various snack foods they both liked, warmed himself up some blood, poured her a glass of rosé.

“Oh yeah by the way, Buffy wanted to talk to you so we’re doing brunch here on sunday.”

Spike paused, back still to her as he worked and closed his eyes. _And there was the other shoe finally falling_. Things had been going too well, of course Buffy wanted muck it up like she had everything in his life since he’d first come to Sunnyhell. _Fucking brilliant_.

“Sounds grand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm not going to lie, writing Spike when he's all like "I have not cuddled in years nor been intimate with a woman in _weeks_ so naturally I will die soon" is absolutely a _hoot_ and I love it. I also just love any chance to gush about Anya a bit I love her a lot and I'm weak.
> 
>  _A Trip to the Moon / Le Voyage dans la Lune_ is a famous french short film from 1902 so... not helping Anya's case but scores her points with Tara who feels to me like the kinda gal who'd like Art Nouveau and things with similar aesthetics to _A Trip_ , which came out at the height of Nouveau's popularity.
> 
> Next chapter is the Big Brunch Talk of Important Stuff and Things. I hope it works for everyone when it comes. [laughs nervously and with great stress]
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated and endless thanks to all of you sticking with me as I claw my way through this bastard.


	5. It's Not Brunch With a Vengeance Demon if Nobody Cries at Least Once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spike and Buffy do the dreaded talky, kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kfljghsljdkgsd This took longer than I would've liked considered it was already _technically_ written months ago but with the changes I'd made to the story structure thus far and how I felt the first version was missing _something_ it took me a bit to get into the headspace, brood on what it needed and then figure out where the fuck to add it. I won't say I nailed it but I do think it at least feels better on the emotional flow end than it had so that's something.

The main reason Spike was dreading the inevitable talk with Buffy about his wish was just that he had _no sodding clue which way it’d go_. He could think about at least 10 different ways it _could_ go, ranging from intensely awkward to physically violent. He was glad Anyanka had agreed to hold the showdown at her flat and to stick around as back up in case things somehow went tits up. He’d wanted this to do this somewhere private. The Magic Box was a more neutral ground option but Anyanka would have to close shop and frankly, he wasn’t sold that the place was now bug free, and Buffy’s was flat out. That was just too fucking awkward, plus he knew just how many weapons she had in that place and Anyanka couldn’t teleport him out with her.

Buffy was apparently bringing Willow. Another large reason he’d wanted Anyanka to stay and one of the big reasons she’d agreed to. Anyanka still wasn’t a big fan of the witch and was as leery as he was about why Buffy would bring her along for the ride. Apparently Anyanka had become as protective of him as he had of her in their short time so far as flatmates. It made his insides all warm and tingly.

Now the day was here and as they grew closer to the agreed 2pm meeting time he became increasingly more anxious and unable to relax, going between pacing and finding things to do about the flat while Anyanka watched and occasionally got on his case. The day so far had been intermittent periods of strained silence while he did things like aggressively scrub tile and bursts of conversation where he ran his mouth off like a complete loon and Anyanka kept making sense at him. God, he wanted to tear her beautiful head off and punt it for doing that. He’d cleaned and straighten up almost the entire flat just to be **_doing_** something, as if he resorted to his usual choice of ‘break shit’ he’d’ve been thrown out the window to his fiery death.

Which was how he’d found the tea service set he was currently putting to use. It was apparently something she’d picked up about a century or so back but never really did much with. Going through the process of putting together something so familiar to him was helping him begin to shift his anxious energy into something more focused.

Anyanka watched him with interest from the breakfast bar— out of immediate range of attack— apparently having forgotten what half of these vessels were for. Ridiculous chit. Another thing he had to fix. Honestly, the nerve of her.

It was a comfortable silence at least. Now that the meeting was minutes away it seemed like his brain had just flipped a switch. He didn’t give a single fucking shit anymore and all those hours of agony had been _fucking pointless_. Even his _mind_ got off on fucking with him. Absolute **_wanker_**.

There was a knock and Anyanka hopped out of her chair.

“Oo! It’s probably them! I’ll get it!” And she darted off to the door weaving between a sitting room chair and the round dining table that sat between the kitchenette and the entryway.

He left her to it, finished up putting everything on the tray and brought it to the table, setting it in the middle. By then the three women were standing inside the little entryway dead ahead of it. he came over to the little knot but hung back opting to lean slightly on the table, staying firmly in the main living space instead.

“Slayer, Red.” He inclined his head, thumbs hooked loosely though his belt loops.

They both flashed him deeply, _painfully_ awkward too wide smiles, both of their hearts going at it like anxious race horses and he nearly ran his hand down his face. _Mother of god._ Suddenly he felt better about his own behavior leading up to this. At least he’d managed to contain the audience for his shame to one person.

“Okay, enough awkward smiling! Let’s sit down and get this started already. I want some of Spike’s tea before it gets cold!”

Anyanka broke their stalemate like the crack of a whip and he burst out laughing. God bless this _absolute legend_. He followed her to the kitchen end of the table, dutifully pulling out her chair for her then pushing it back in once she was seated before sitting himself with less manners. He didn’t _need_ to pull out chairs and such for her really, but he liked doing it, it just felt right. Plus she preened beautifully when he gave her attention like that and didn’t that make a bloke feel special. The other women didn’t seem to get it however and stared at them like they’d both grown an extra head, he rolled his eyes. _Ridiculous_.

“Alright Slayer, you wanted to talk and I’m happy to oblige, what do you want to talk about?” He gestured magnanimously before lacing his hands together on the table.

He knew _exactly_ what she wanted to know more about but frankly he wasn’t in the mood to put his cards out before she showed hers. Regardless of how nervous she was it didn’t mean there were other things going on in that head, things that might not end well for old Spike. It was best to see where he stood before picking any one tack for this.

“Well, um…” The Slayer looked over at Red who gave her an over bright encouraging smile. _So that’s why she’d brought her, moral support._ Well it was better than cursing him. “ I just wanted to check in after recent… events…”

Anyanka rolled her eyes as she eagerly made herself a cup of tea, Red awkwardly following suit for something to do. Okay, this was gonna take longer than even _he_ had if he didn’t take control over and speed things up. He could already feel the urge to bounce his leg building.

“Right. The wish.” He smiled, closed mouthed and without much to it, bordering a grimace really. “So which part got you in a twist? The fact that I said it at all or the fact it’d worked seeing as you were under the impression my love didn’t count as love?“

That phrasing was a bit on the harsh side and he knew it, and while he didn’t exactly revel in it he couldn’t feel bad for it either. She faltered for a moment and he could see the great internal debate. The desperate fight waging between airing their dirty laundry in front of others— _admitting_ that she’d cared at _all_ about whether or not he stayed on her hook— and trying to be the kind of person who took accountability for their actions— grew or whatever.

Finally she spoke, her nose all scrunched up wincey and cutesy like. _God_ he’d loved that back in the day.

“Both honestly.”

He could see that it cost her something to say even that out loud with an audience, the old dead part of him that had loved her crowed that she’d even _vaguely_ alluded to _potentially_ caring about his feelings for her but it was a distant echo of a thing. The him of now just acknowledged it was hard for her to say and that it probably wouldn’t help things if he took the piss about it so let it be.

Well okay, he was still a bit smug about getting a win outta her, as small as it might be. Evil, after all. But he could pretend to be the bigger man. Sort of.

“Finally made you think there might be something to all my proclamations? That what I felt for you was real? That I didn’t need a soul to have real feelings?”

She shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

“Yeah…”

“Been having a bit of a crisis over what that means for our former arrangement?”

The scrunching was increasing, her shoulders practically under her ears. She hated it when he sorted her own head out quicker than she did and spat it out like it was that easy. Buffy, introspection and most forms of known communication were _“non-mixy things”_ but she’d always been an easy read for him, even if she was fucking Sumerian to herself. He smirked, enjoying her squirming. Just a few weeks ago he’d be yelling from the rooftops with glee that she was even considering even a _slight_ change of heart in her ridiculous _Soul Superiority_ philosophy. Giddy about what it might mean for his chances at something real with her, something more than what she was giving him. Now he was just getting increasingly smug in his sweet, sweet vindication and enjoying watching her suffer the blow to her _‘I’m always right’_ bullshit. It felt like _ages_ since he’d had the upper hand with her in anything. It was nice to feel tall again.

She didn’t reply but he didn’t need her to, he just pressed on.

“ Well, way I see it, don’t think I really owe you much in the way of anything. Explanations or otherwise. _Buuut_ —“ He grinned wickedly and leaned back in his chair, eyeing her up just to be a prick. “I do love the novelty of being an _evil vampire_ in a position of the moral superiority so I’ll humor you and answer some of your questions I s’pose.”

She gaped at him, livid. “ You do **_not_** have the moral superiority! You—You’re—! You’re still an evil vampire! You’d totally be killing people and stuff if you could!”

He laughed. “ Well yeah sure probably, but I don’t deny all those tasty walking lunches have feelings and that rot, I just don’t care about them. Totally different.”

“What?! No!”

“Apathy is a lesser evil than dehumanization.” Anya chipped in merrily, stirring her tea delicately in its pretty little cup.

Buffy gave her such a magnificent look of _“who’s side are you on”_ that Spike couldn’t help a fit of laughter, clapping like a schoolboy. Fucking priceless! Why had he been nervous about this? This was a bloody riot!

Buffy glared at him viciously and shook her head, trying to shake herself out of the tangent. She turned her attention to Anyanka her tone much closer to business than it been at the start.

“ Whatever, we’re getting off topic here— So the wish definitely worked because Spike has human-ish feelings? Close enough to count for the spell or whatever to effect them?”

Well that killed his good mood quickly, back to trying to validate his personhood again _what fun_. He borred into her, eyes hard, which she pointedly ignored. Red shifted uncomfortably beside her, sipping her tea and turning to look at Anyanka as well.

“Buffy, ” Her tone was firm but not unkind (for Anyanka) which surprised him. He was a bit put out to be honest, would have been nice if she’d laid into her on his account right out of the gate. “Demons feel things too. Sure, for some species it’s in ways you wouldn’t recognize but they still do. We wouldn’t use words like love for something that wasn’t _really_ in that category, we’d use some other more demonic word for it, or some other category or something. The criteria for loving someone might be different for all the different kinds of demons out there. But it all still ends up giving you the same squirmy insides feeling, or make you care if someone dies, want to do things for— or _to_ — them or _whatever_. And Spike is very sappy, like it’s honestly extremely _weird_ how clingy and emotional he can be—”

“Hey!”

She rolled her eyes at him. “What? It’s true. You’re an extremely emotional vampire and not in the usual bloodlust and rage way, it’s odd but also very endearing. It’s part of your charm so don’t get all snarly at me—“ She wagged a finger at him and Spike found himself mollified for the moment. Part of his charm, eh? Could live with that.

“—Anyway, It’s not that his emotions are human-like and that’s why the wish worked— though they _are_. On the scale of humanity to inhumanity in demons, vampires are much closer to the human end— it worked because his love was genuine love, it hit all the _whatevers_ that make something love. I felt it, I felt how in love and how heartbroken he was, I’ve felt that kind of pain thousands of times, I specialize in scorned women remember? Spike’s feelings are real because demon or not, he’s a **_person_**. Like **_I’m_** a person.”

Anyanka’s tone had shifted dramatically by the last two statements, it was now very hard, her expression very serious. Only, despite that hardness it wasn’t difficult to see all the anguish there as well. Whether it was from remembering the feel of his agony and that of her other “clients” or some long hidden hurt of her own wasn’t clear. Another reminder in a way, of how old she was, one that seemed to catch the other women especially by surprise going by Red’s little gasp.

“Just because it’s your sacred duty to kill our neighbors doesn’t mean that we don’t have feelings and thoughts and dreams and all that stuff you humans go on about being important. We **_do_**. I’m sure it makes you feel better about having to kill us if you don’t believe that but tough. You can’t decide that kind of thing. I didn’t _become_ a person when I was made human, I _was_ one already and then I became a _different_ one, and I didn’t lose all my person-ness when I became a demon again. You all told me to be quiet when I talked about being a demon. Any time I tried to talk about my life you all told me to be quiet. Did you ever think about my _human_ feelings then? No.”

“The Giles of that other dimension destroyed _me_ for all intents and purposes and I was left as an immortal in a mortal body. No friends, no life, no _anything_ — just this paper thin fake persona I’d cooked up to live as for a bit while I worked a gig. I was scared and confused and angry and alone and I _needed_ people to help me. This whole time I’ve _needed_ people. I haven’t been human since vikings were an actual _thing_ and not a sports team, Buffy. But no one wanted to help me, none of you even _liked_ me really, I don’t think. You all just put up with me for Xander and then once we were over you all practically washed your hands of me. Like I wasn’t a _person_ , like I didn’t _matter_ as much as he did. I know part of that was because of the ex-demon thing. That’s not how it works. You can’t decide things like other people’s feelings for them or when they matter. And you can’t decide that someone’s not a person, if an evil bloodsucking one, just because it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

The Slayer stared at her wide eyes transfixed, face much paler than before. Red set her tea cup down shakily, gnawing at her bottom lip radiating guilt. Spike himself just felt as though a bomb had just gone off and he didn’t exactly know what to do about it. None of them had anticipated Anyanka taking the reigns nor her so thoroughly scorching the earth around them. He sat there, fist to his mouth staring blankly at the wall just next to Anyanka’s head for a long moment while they all seemed to reboot.

Buffy looked as though Anya had just ran her through. Willow was nearly in tears. It wasn’t a secret that the boy was basically the only one who saw Anya as worth the time to know and even he’d been shite about it. Anya had barely had anyone in the human world. She’d put up with them for years, put up with Buffy who killed their kind for years, made her a sodding _bridesmaid_. But that didn’t undo the fact they’d all talked down to her, treated her as second class citizen for years. Didn’t change the fact that for all Anyanka’s issues with the interpersonal, she knew when she was being put down nor change that she had a _very_ long memory. It seemed now that the girls were staring into the eyes of their own ugly pasts.

_Good_.

“Anya—” Buffy started, her voice croaking.

Anyanka held up a hand to stop her. “I’m not saying all demons are secretly model citizens and you’re a crazed serial killer. There’s plenty of demons, **_huge_** amounts of them really, who are just plain evil and you won’t see either of us crying over if they get slayed. Sure they’ve got all those things like hopes and dreams or whatever but they’re all, you know, _evil_ and baby eat-y and that’s different. Extremely slayable, full steam ahead. So don’t worry about that or have a nervous breakdown in my apartment, you’re very strong and you’d ruin my chances of getting my safety deposit back with your crazed flailing.”

Spike found himself disappointed again that Anyanka had taken a kinder route than he’d like. Just when he was getting riled, thinking she’s about to lay into them for _years_ of them being treated like second class citizens and make the little kiddies cry she went for something less. He was practically being teased with a showdown he was increasingly finding appeal in but instead she was being— _understanding_ _or_ _something_. He didn’t think you could get blue balls from conversation but he was beginning to think otherwise.

On the other hand, Buffy didn’t look much like that addendum had helped her. In fact, it seemed to make things worse. She looked almost sick, an expression of self loathing he knew all too well on her was coming up to the surface. It had been directed at him for months as she used him as a proxy to both escape her suffering and punish herself for breathing. His bloodlust died instantly. His guts roiled seeing it again but at least, he told himself, it wasn’t pointed at _him_ anymore. Wasn’t for _him_ now. It was aimed at herself for once — finally — for something he was fairly sure she deserved to feel at least bit bad for.

One thing to not see him as a person. Vampire, vampire slayer — it was a whole thing — but Anyanka was human for all the time they’d known her up till now and by their own logic that made all the crimes against her real with no caveats. So her anguished look was proper and totally self-directed and not at all related to him. It was fine. It didn’t get at him at all, some bad memories bubbling at the sight but it was _fine_. A small scorching hand gently came to rest on his forearm, thumb stroking the skin, soothing him just enough. He took a deep breath through his nose, scenting all their girliness, the tea, household cleaner and the faint traces of his cigarettes. He focused on the pretty body washes and shampoos and things, calmed himself. Why was that soothing?

Buffy devastated, was about to cry. She had lost whatever small smolder of fire had sustained her through this and Red seemed to pick up on that as well. Buffy seemed to be using her cup as an anchoring point, both hands on it tightly.

“N-no that’s not—“ Willow took a breath and restarted. “First off, as the founder and president of the ‘Not Liking Anya’ club for years I wanna just say that I’m sorry. You’re right, I never thought about that — _any_ of that and that’s not okay. I was angry about the spell thing and that you were dating my best friend and that you didn’t act in a way I liked which is all even pettier and stupid when I say it out loud like this than it was in my head. I’m really, _really_ sorry I never once considered what it would be like for you, being all immortal and then suddenly _blammo!_ mortal! That’s a head melter just imagining it, living it has— had— to be worse. I’m sorry I was a big jerk and I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive when Xander left you I really, really am.”

Willow took another big breath, clearly working herself up to more metaphorical lancing. Red it seemed had decided to wear her big girl novelty sweater today.

“And You’re right Anya… about the demon stuff. It’s kinda been a point of discussion for us since the wish and the finding out you’re a demon again and everything, how we think about the people thing. I mean— who is and who isn’t and how we can even decide that. It’s um, it’s not exactly figured out or anything but we all kinda agreed that we at least needed to be a bit better about being open to the good demons— you know the ones who don’t eat humans and pay their taxes.” She hesitated before opting to just barrel on. You’re our friend and—“

Anyanka practically dropped her cup and coughed violently. “ I’m your friend?!”

Willow’s brow furrowed. “ Well, yeah. I know that I wasn’t the nicest to you in the past but well, after the troll thing and you and Xander getting more serious I figured I should try to not be a jerk to you since he’s my best friend and you were marrying him. I guess I haven’t always been the best about it but I actually _did_ have fun doing all that wedding stuff with you… I was hoping that that would you know continue into more friendi….ness….”

Anyanka stared at her. “ Huh.”

Willow smiled at her feebly and Spike was powerfully reminded of the shy nerdy little bit she’d been in secondary school. Anyanka seemed to come out of her shock after a moment and shrugged.

“Well, okay. You’re kind of annoying and way too full of yourself but it was pretty fun doing that stuff with you, maybe other stuff with you will also be fun.”

The redhead winced but took it in stride, not like Anya was saying anything she likely hadn’t heard from anyone before. She’d certainly earned the barbs, intentional or not, this time at least.

Buffy still seemed pinned in place by the sword of Anyanka’s words, unable to comment on any of this. He was starting to get worried about that now. Anyanka reached across the table and put her hand on Buffy’s wrist.

“We’re okay Buffy. We’ve pretty much always been okay so don’t beat yourself up about it. I was just trying to make a point. You’re not a bad person. You’re a _good_ one. Trust me, I’m a thousand years old I know the difference.”

The Slayer let out a quiet sob. Her eyes screwing themselves shut as she seemed to collapse in on herself.

“Oh Buffy—“ Willow flung herself on the small blonde, wrapping her in a tight awkward embrace if made a bit awkward by the angle.

Anyanka looked between them frantically “what did I just say! No breakdowns!”

He put a hand on her back. “ No worries, luv. She’s just having a bit of a moment, you rang their bells rather hard. Slayer’s brain need to straighten itself out again.”

Anyanka pouted, glaring at him so ineffectually that it did nothing but convey to him that 1) she was cute when she was mad and 2) she could probably be all kinds of fun when riled up. His replying grin was decidedly caddish. It did what he wanted as she subsided, grumbled something about _‘men’_ , _‘vampires’_ and _‘curses_ ’ and drank her tea .

It took a long time — long enough to make Spike start to feel uncomfortable honestly — for Buffy to get herself back together again enough to be getting on with.

“Sorry about that…” She sniffed

“Don’t be pet. Better to get it out.” He returned, his tone the same he’d always used when she was hurting. Couldn’t help it.

Her eyes flicked up to him from the table, watery and packed so full of emotion he couldn’t rightly place it all. His heart tightened, not for the first time he wished she’d just let him love her proper from the start. He could’ve done right by her if she’d’ve let him. Kissed and hugged and loved the tears away. But she’d made her choice, and he’d made his. And here they were.

“Hate to load anymore on you at the mo but figure I should say my piece now before things get too far down the line from it.” _Or you fall apart so badly you can’t even hear the answer to the real reason you came here_.

“Loved you, should be obvious now that Anyanka’s laid it out. Would’ve stood by you til I dusted, even if you didn’t love me back. But there’s only so much a man can take. Only so lowly you can be seen before— Made a choice, in the end, chose myself. Chose to save the last bits of me that hadn’t been twisted or beaten out of me. You’d made it clear how you saw me, that you didn’t want me. Not the way I wanted you. Wanted to treat you right, love you right, give you what you deserved, be _good_ for you. But there’s only so much a man can take without even crumbs in return.“

“…love becomes your master, and you're just its dog.” Buffy murmured.

He jerked, taken aback. “What?”

Even Red and Anyanka were looking at Buffy strangely and Buffy seemed to snap back to the present from wherever her mind had gone as he’d spoke.

“Oh um, it’s something Mr. Platt, the old guidance counselor, said to me… I had to um, see him to be allowed back in school after I got expelled during the whole Angel-Acathla thing.” She looked over at Red who’s face lit up with understanding. “He um, asked about Angel or well, really why I’d left so, _Angel_ — and even though I barely said a sentence he um, got it… He told me ‘ _You can't stay lost forever. Sooner or later, you... you have to go back to yourself._ ’ And um, that if you don’t ‘ _love becomes your master, and you're just its dog._ ’ I always remembered that because it just felt really deep— _powerful_ you know? Like he got me. A-and then he got murdered by Pete a couple days later and— I guess even if I wasn’t really _thinking_ about it like he’d wanted me to I just… It didn’t feel right to forget.”

Buffy took a deep steadying breath her eyes on the table as she gathered some of that slayer steel to support her through the grueling task of being Buffy the girl. It was still such a magnificent sight, to see her marshal herself and get back up from the brink, his slayer, un-bloody-breakable. 

“It’s probably something I should’ve thought about a bit more when I was younger too but I dunno it just kinda popped back in my head while you were talking and um… I get it. I get better what he was trying to tell me and I get why you did it and I can’t blame you for it. I-I’ll be honest—“ It looked like she wanted to be anything but, still she was making herself to do it anyway. “Everyone else has been honest so I’d be— yeah, okay, um— I don’t— I don’t really know. How it makes me feel. It should make me relieved? In theory? But it doesn’t, it does the opposite. It hurts— that you wished me away. And I don’t know if that’s because it made things _final_ final or because I was using your feelings for me as a crutch, like a _‘this’ll always be there’_ thing or if— or if it’s because of something _else_ —“

He did not need to have her say what the something _else_ might be. He was fairly sure none of them did at this point. Neither did he comment on the phrasing choice of _‘wished me away’_. Buffy shifted uncomfortably, her nerves running wild. Little dainty painted fingers tracing the edges of china before her. 

“But um, yeah. It hurts, it hurts more than I’d ever thought it would. But I also think that maybe… maybe it was the right choice? I stand by ending it, our thing. It wasn’t right — me using you — it all needed to stop. For both our sakes. And with the wish thing well, hopefully that means we won’t fall into it again and abuse all over again. And—and maybe you can find someone who—who deserves that love.”

She was pointedly not looking at his face by the end of that, looking at something just around his right shoulder was the best she could seem to manage. 

“You were always worthy of it Slayer. Can’t think of anyone worthier of being loved than you.”

Tears sprang to her eyes again as her mouth worked, worrying her lips as she strained to retain composure. Willow made a keening noise and nodded frantically.

“Okay, me and Spike generally don’t have a lot of things we’d agree on but this is like, easily the top spot on the short list. Buffy, I know things have been hard, and not just now. But before, like the whole time we’ve been friends really. And I know I haven’t always been super about it but Buffy you are so loved and so wonderful and we all love you so, so much. Even when everything got scary and we could’ve just said _‘good luck!’_ and left you to it since you know, no sacred calling on our part, we stuck with you because Buffy we love you. You’re my best friend and you mean so so much to me and I’m sorry if I didn’t say that enough before cause I _promise_ I will now.”

Buffy seemed about to cry again as Willow rubbed soothing circles into her back but she just nodded and smiled tightly, holding them in as best she could. 

“Thanks Wills.”

It was likely a bit invasive for him and Anyanka to just be sitting here watching them like this but he didn’t rightfully care. It was good, seeing one of her little wanker friends actually _be_ there for her after all these months. It helped put something to rest in him, give it to peace. She wouldn’t be cast adrift without him, she had people who could do the work of keeping her afloat. He could move on without guilt about leaving her to drown. 

There was a brief lull in the conversation as people got a hold of themselves or in Anyanka’s case, got more tea.

Spike noticed Buffy out of the corner of his eye, her gaze fixed on his hand still resting on Anyanka’s back. Her expression closed but possibly a bit hurt, though maybe that was just out of old hopeful habit on his end. Again he thought of how a few weeks ago he’d’ve been shouting from the mountains that she might be even _remotely_ jealous of his contact with another woman. Now he was just hoping that this wasn’t someone’s idea of poetic irony. That she finally looks at the memo stapled to her head that she’s got feelings for him now that he’s out of love with her and ready to start considering moving on. _Well_ , moving on might be a bit strong. He was more interested in sorting out the mess his life had become first before he risked the jump into another possibly tumultuous relationship. And getting his place fixed up so he’d have somewhere to even _bring_ date.

Buffy seemed to feel his stare and met his eye, he raised a brow but she turned back to Anyanka, quite possibly pouting as she did if he wasn’t just going barmy. _For fuck’s sake this woman_.

“ Going back for a sec to the whole demon thing in general, I’m taking the whole thing on a case by case basis, not gonna slay any nice little old demon grannies but still slaying.”

“Well good.” Anyanka pouted, christ what was it with these women and _pouting_ and _why did he find it so sodding attractive?_

“Since we’re on the topic of slayability and who qualifies I suppose we have to discuss mine.” He butted in. “Since I did the whole white hatting thing for a bit of violence and to try and score points with you n all. And seeing as now I’m not really in the Buffy woo-ing game anymore I don’t in theory got a reason to white hat. Guess the question is, is old Spike up on the table again?”

Buffy looked surprised that he even had to ask.

“Well I mean, you weren’t our best friend or anything back when you first got the chip and I didn’t stake you then or when you made that awful robot so it’s not that much different right?”

He nodded, his closed lip smile was hollow.

“ Happy to hear that you’re not planning my demise anytime soon but still, feel like it’s smart to say things out loud, make sure we’re all on the same page. Got no intentions of comin’ after you and yours, haven’t gone back to wanting to make you a notch on my belt as of yet. I know it’d break the Bit to pieces if I went full nasty again and I still care about her loads, so I’m not gonna aim to break her heart. Not sayin’ I’m still gonna be at your beck and call as it were but I’ll help out here and there, get my spot of violence in. But largely I’m not all that interested in hanging out with you lot, pretending we’re friends and all that. I’m staying in town at the mo for the Bit and Anyanka while I sort myself out.”

Buffy nodded, looking at him like she was seeing him for the first time—completely reevaluating him. For what and _why_ he had no current idea. This bloody woman, she did his head in.

It seemed however with that the main thrust of the conversation was done and that the flat had settled into a quieter energy. After a lull the girls started talking amongst themselves, trying out that whole “be friendly to Anyanka for once” thing they’d heard so much about.

Spike mostly just watched and provided unwanted and generally rude/lewd commentary to keep them from focusing on his quietened state. Even with that Buffy kept coming back to staring at him, making him irrationally worry that there was something on his face. She was a mess. Her make up was trashed and her eyes were red and puffy. Wasn’t really his problem anymore now. She had her little pals, it was their problem now. He had himself back and he was keeping it that way. He wasn’t falling into this shit again.

Fucking _finally_ the thing came to a close and Anyanka ushered them out of the flat with an agreement to get lunch with Willow and Tara next week. When she closed and relocked the door, exhaling exaggeratedly as she sagged into herself. He finally came into the little entryway and leaned on the wall next to her, crowding her just a bit. He liked the closeness. Needed a bit of it frankly after that.

“Well, that happened.” She huffed.

“It certainly did.”

She snorted and rolling her eyes at him. She shoved right past him to flop down on couch and he followed her, sprawling out on the rest of it.

“That was exhausting. How can a conversation be exhausting?” Anyanka whined. Her dress had hiked dangerously high when she’d thrown herself down he noted.

“When your talking to exhausting people. The Scoobies are all exhausting.”

She made a vague noise of agreement, shifting on the couch to get more comfortable and fight him for space. He didn’t budge. Spike picked up the remote and flicked the tv into life. Impulsively he reached for Anyanka and pulled her to his side. She whined some more but molded to him placing her head and a hand on his chest, cuddling up to him just like he’d desperately needed right now. He got the feeling she needed it too after that.

“C’mon pet think we’ve earned a lazy day after that, how about it?”

“Ugh, _Please._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again sorry for the bit of a wait on this one! Things might actually get slower for a bit because I'm officially bumping up to the end of my completed chapter from earlier. I'm gonna likely try and at least get a few more chapters down in a rough draft before I post the next one. I've got plenty that are already started so I'll just get them a little further down the line. 
> 
> This originally had a section with Willow and Xander but this is already pretty long and it hurt the flow of the chapter. However, there will be Xander content in the next chapter! There's been a lack of Xando Content so far so I gotta fix that.
> 
> As always comments and feedback are always appreciated <3 !

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few chapters already written and I'll post them on some kind of schedule as I complete more fic. Feedback would be great since while I've got a sense of where we're going but _uuuuuuhhhh let's just say we're also still very malleable_. May get submitted to EF later on since the challenge is from there but I'm not sure yet how much Spuffy will be there in the endgame so I'm throwing it on here first.


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